Me, Eli, and Dom, back during the golden age of Stranger journalism.
So, after six years on staff, Dom has left The Stranger to spend more time with his family or something. Good for him. Unlike me, at least he got to walk out on his own two feet instead of being carted off the premises in the trunk of a Cadillac DTS and unceremoniously dumped in the Meadowlands.
But Dom’s sudden departure has people asking questions. In a span of only nine months, first Cienna, then me, now Dom have all been scrubbed from the paper’s masthead. Of The Stranger’s four-person Pulitzer prize-winning news team, only Eli remains.
Cunning, devious, ruthless Eli.*
Eli (left) has finally purged The Stranger of his rivals.
Now that the Great Purge is complete, the truth can be told: The Stranger’s news department has been reshaped by a brutal internal power struggle, engineered by the Machiavellian mastermind that is Eli Sanders—or, “the Butcher of Barca” as he’s fearfully known in the office. Don’t let his mild-mannered demeanor fool you; it’s all an act. The man is vicious. You should see what he did to his boyfriend—nearly ripped the poor guy’s arms off!
Eli is a monster. And now he’s ruling The Stranger news department with an iron fist. Just like he long plotted.
So beware, Anna and Ansel: the warm embrace of Eli’s carefully crafted cult of personality can be intoxicating. But dare challenge his boundless ambition and you too could soon find yourself stumbling through the muck of a New Jersey swamp, desperately trying to pluck an ice pick from your back.
UPDATE: Honestly, folks, get a sense of humor. It was joke. Really. Eli Sanders is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
* I double-checked my sources: Eli does not have a single ruth.
Is this real? Or a joke? Is the confused tone a consequence of your own hesitation and/or an attempt to soften what you’re saying? As a former intern, I am so confuzzled.
It was my decision to leave, so I scrubbed my own name from the masthead. And I kept the wig.
@2 Dom… Eli can’t hurt you anymore. So you can speak freely now.
Heh. Like Ezra Goldman – what SJ wants, SJ gets.
I think I would have to scrub you just for wearing a coat like that one in to a news room, even if its the Stranger. Do you still have it? Might fetch something on Ebay.
How the hell did I get here from FB?
@6 You died and went to Hell. HA stands for Hell’s Asshole! Hahahahahaha (evil cackling laughter)
How long did the Golden Age of Stranger Journalism last before you started ripping each other’s throats out? Twenty minutes? The typical newsroom averages ten to fifteen.
David @1: Eli Sanders is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
Well done.
The sad part is that Goldy probably had this written (or at least mentally composed) months ago, as he waited to see who would leave next before he plugged in the appropriate names.
Well, at least Eli doesn’t fuck pigs. Well, allegedly anyway. ;)
@10 I was just tired of people asking me why Dom left, and so I thought I’d just make something up. Also, I needed a post to go along with that picture.
Well at least we’ve finally got to the bottom of why Dominic left (or was pushed out (or had to leave because he’d become a danger to profits (or that small matter of the underage intern))). yep.. all wrapped up in a neat little pack..age.
You say he’s nice, but on the soccer pitch, he always takes the ball and kicks it far in the other direction!
Nice hair, Goldy. What eventually happened to it?
Goldy, why don’t you play a game of solitaire….
Now repeat after me: “I LOVE the Seattle Times editorial board!”
(Just checking how deep the conditioning went)
@16
Hey buddy, go jump in the lake.
@13 “or that small matter of the underage intern”
The poster @1 by any chance? It’s none of my business; just curious.
@18 The Stranger never had an underage intern during the years I was there. Age of consent in WA is 16. I’m not sure we had an intern under 20.
@19 dammit Goldy(!) if you keep directly eliminating possibilities like that it’ll eventually leave us to the answer. (“Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” yadda-yadda)
Next you’ll be providing evidence that Christopher Frizzelle hasn’t been receiving ‘donations’ from ALEC
@20
OK, then, it was an overage intern.
Seriously though, what _is_ going on over there?