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Can’t wait to eat food processed by COVID-19 positive employees. Mmmm.

Obviously the safety of the workers is the most important thing. 56 is a lot of cases and if work isn’t safe for them it shouldn’t happen.

Anyway, wash your hands right now.

I forgot who, but someone said that shopping online at Pike Place Market was easy. It was not. At least for me. Each store had its own website or you had to call. Some places you still had to go in to. Still, it was good to have much of it done ahead of time.

Well it finally happened: My hair is ridiculous. Can’t part it. Can’t slick it back. Just a big lump on my head. Swooping. I have had it long before, but this intermediate stuff is probably going to last a while. So I am sorry coworkers, friends and family. You’re stuck looking at this on Zoom for a while.

Anyway, everyone wash your hands right now.

Late Night Storytelling: The first annual Democratic Candidate Pageant.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo has some numbers to share with #MoscowMitch.

Bill Maher chats with Rep. Nancy Pelosi.

Jonathan Mann: Hello, my name is David Brooks.

SNL: Earth Day sketches.

Buzzfeed: Eight things you can do about climate change now.

ТрампPlague:

• The Late Show: Трамп’s flipbook cartoon pig goes off the deep end
• Jimmy Kimmel: Another quarantine monologue
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard is concerned for Kim Jong Un’s health
• The Daily Show: Dot Трамп, The Science-ish Guy on disinfectant injections
• Jimmy Fallon: Dr. Jane Goodall on how disrespect for nature fueled the coronavirus pandemic
• Stephen: Трамп, you’re going to have to do the unthinkable—YOUR JOB!
• Rachel Maddow: Drug pusher Трамп and other coronavirus news
• Trevor: Трамп must think chaos is an essential service
• Chris Hayes: Трамп Administration forces out top vaccine doctor amid pandemic
• Vox: What face masks actually do against coronavirus
• The Daily Show: Remembering Трамп’s somber tone
• Stephen: Las Vegas Mayor rolls the dice on reopening, but Anderson Cooper is having none of it
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard advises using diet Fresca to fight covid
• The Трампs celebrate Earth Day! #BeBuried
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп’s ratings, Kim Jong Un’s health & Dr. Zaius on COVID-19
• The Late Show: Anderson Cooper struggles with Las Vegas Mayor’s logic
• Roy Zimmerman: The Liar Tweets Tonight:

• Samantha Bee: Why we need to shut down the idea of reopening America
• Stephen: Bill Gates—Global innovation is the key to achieving a return to normal
• Stephen: Bill Gates—We could see early results from coronavirus vaccine trials this summer
• Trevor: Governors ease restrictions & Трамп shuts out immigrants
• The Bulwark: February 7 changed everything….
• The late Show: The grim reaper endorses Lt. Governor Dan Patrick
• James Corden: Vice President Joe Biden questions Трамп’s COVID response
• Robert Reich: Coronavirus and the height of corporate welfare
• Stephen: Трамп indulges his penchant for chanting mobs by tweeting encouragement to lockdown protesters
• John Oliver: Coronavirus V
• The Daily Show: This is what it’s about
• J-L Cauvin: Трамп is the ventilator king
• You can see the moment when Dr. Birx loses her soul at a Трамп “briefing”
• The Late Show: Meet the former dog breeder in charge of coronavirus response at HHS
• Mark Fiore: Liberty alert!
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп & Vegas mayor compete for who’s crazier
• The science of quarantine hair roots
• Stephen: Трамп’s immigration bombshell came, as always, via tweet
• Bruce W. Nelson: STFU (A song of sage advice)
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard Трамп never heard of hydroxychloroquine
• Trevor: Gov. Andrew Cuomo on meeting Трамп and reopening New York
• John Di Domenico: Трамп Money, Sarah Hester Ross wants her cash now!
• The Daily Show: The Daily Show FAUXsplains coronavirus
• Gov. Cuomo to anti-lockdown protesters: “What’s worse than death?”
• Stephen: Mitch McConnell’s “Screw the states” plan riles lawmakers from both parties
• Francesca Fiorentini: How COVID-19 deniers are ALSO a virus:

• Chris Hayes: Air pollution drops around the world amid coronavirus lockdowns
• The Late Show: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ mask fail
• Sky News: Excess deaths suggest a higher mortality rate from coronavirus than official figures
• Jordan Klepper beefs up to brave the pandemic
• Mother Jones: Obama’s 2010 oil spill response vs. Трамп’s 2020 coronavirus response
• Samantha Bee: Our hospital workers need PPE…STAT!
• Reflect: Трамп gets caught lying about encouraging bleach injections
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп encourages stay at home protests
• Stephen and Trevor: Трамп’s response to coronavirus is exposing his lack of leadership
• The Daily Show: Dotard Трамп the science-ish guy explains hydroxychloroquine
• J-L Cauvin gets ripped by Трамп
• The Late Show: Blowing it out of proportion

Robert Reich: The solutions to the climate crisis no one is talking about.

Bill Maher: New Rule—America’s wet markets.

@Winlar says, “Fuck Twitter”.

James Corden: Vice President Joe Biden is finalizing his 2020 run

Roll Call: A masked edition of Congressional hits and misses of the week.

Last week’s Friday Night Multimedia Extravaganza can be found here.

I have not been exercising nearly enough in the stay at home times. So I tried going for a walk in the morning. It was fine. Fewer people are out at 7:00 and I hopped right in the shower after the walk was over. Um, but I forgot to do this post until a couple minutes before work started. So here’s a lunch break post instead of a morning one.

Please wash your hands right now.

I am glad to see that Governor Inslee has put forward a path to reopening the state and that it is very gradual. Until there’s a vaccine or much more widespread testing, we’re not going to be able to do a lot of things. I am not sure how much I would want to do elective surgery right now, but I guess if people are taking precautions it’s probably fine? Maybe if you’re in pain or there are down the road consequences it changes the equation.

In any case wash your hands right now.

Were you at the let us get sick rally? If so, you might just get sick. I am a bit worried that even mentioning these jerks will give them oxygen. But still. If you can’t social distance and wear a mask at the I am ready to go out rally, imagine how horrible it will be when the cameras are off. These fuckers aren’t ready for an evening stroll.

Anyway, wash your hands right now.

SNL Weekend Update: Bernie Sanders drops out.

Stephen: Barack Obama endorses his former VP, lays out the ways Joe Biden outshines The Dotard.

Seth Meyers: Jane Fonda declares the age of fossil fuel is over.

Tooning Out: Former DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe on the art of begging donors over Zoom

SNL: RBG Workout.

Obama SLAMS Трамп & McConnell in epic call to action.

The Late Show: New species fills President Obama’s pauses.

Now This: The climate crisis is destroying this tribe’s way of life.

ТрампPlague:

• The Late Show: Трамп’s female reporter detector reveals mommy issues
• Bruce W. Nelson: “Fauci”, a parody of the 1925 song, “Dinah” by Harry Akst
• Stephen: Dr. Jon LaPook answers your questions about CoViD-19
• Seth Meyers: Chris Hayes shares the moment he realized how badly coronavirus would affect the United States
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп vs Fauci & Easter at home
• Bruce W. Nelson: I’m just checkin’ in with you
• Now This: Spread of COVID-19 in the U.S. vs. the world
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard Трамп mourns Brian Dennehy
• Samantha Bee: This week in “things that shouldn’t surprise us”—COVID-19 is extremely racist
• Bill Maher: Panic porn
• The Daily Show: The Dotard makes a big breakthrough on testing
• Bruce W. Nelson: I’m number one on Facebook
• Jonathan Mann: Total Authority, No Responsibility:

• Seth Meyers: John Oliver appreciates Dr. Fauci’s discipline while working with Трамп
• The Daily Show: The Dotard blames everyone but himself for the coronavirus epidemic in the U.S.A.
• Lars von Retriever: MetalТрамп—Epidemic
• Bruce W. Nelson: A song about Mike Pence’s soul
• Trevor: What are the craziest coronavirus conspiracy theories?
• Stephen: Трамп’s mishandling of the CoViD-19 crisis is confirmed by Dr. Fauci
• Mark Fiore: A very unstable coronavirus briefing
• Jimmy Kimmel: Yet another quarantine monologue
• The Late Show: Трамп’s name is on the checks
• Wired: Dr. Seema Yasmin on covid-19 immunity compared to 6 other diseases (common cold, HIV, SARS, and more)
• Bruce W. Nelson: You’re no king! (But you’re sure a drama queen)
• Seth Meyers: Late Night White House Briefing
• John Oliver: Coronavirus IV
• Trevor: Трамп attacks the WHO & Kellyanne can’t count to COVID-19
• Seth Meyers: Трамп blames WHO and rushes to “open up America again”
• Stephen: While Трамп plays the blame game, Governors will set the pace on reopening the states
• Bruce W. Nelson: If The Dotard Трамп could sing
• Jimmy Kimmel: Obama endorses biden & Трамп endorses himself
• The Late Show: Germophobic wrestler calls out Florida Governor
• Seth Meyers: John Oliver shares how panicked he feels about coronavirus
• Samantha Bee: Michael Lewis explains why we should have seen the pandemic coming
• Trevor: Is Fauci the sexiest man alive?
• The Daily Show: The missing February section of Трамп’s propaganda video:

• The Late Show: Трамп’s brain is not a metrics guy
• Seth Meyers: Трамп looks to “reopen” the economy after NYT coronavirus bombshell
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard Трамп vs The Rock—Is WWE an essential business?
• Bruce W. Nelson: Hail To the Chief, a modern parody
• Stephen: Give The Dotard a radio show and maybe he’ll stop holding these marathon coronavirus briefings
• Now This: Трамп draws criticism for cutting funds to WHO
• Jimmy Kimmel: George Stephanopoulos & Ali Wentworth on having COVID-19
• WaPo: How Трамп and the World Health Organization ended up on a collision course
• Bill Maher: Bill’s home box office
• The Late Show: President Трамп reveals his internal decision-making metrics
• Seth Meyers: Трамп repeats coronavirus failures in push to “reopen” economy
• Bruce W. Nelson: Nice try!:

• John Di Domenico: Trump says FUCovid!
• Vice News: Kamala Harris—Трамп has abandoned his role as President
• The Daily Show: Human sacrifice, a Fox News special
• Now This: How Dr. Anthony Fauci became America’s doctor
• Stephen: Трамп can lie about his coronavirus record, but people remember his early inaction on the threat
• SNL Weekend Update: Трамп gives coronavirus update
• Robert Reich: Трамп’s failed coronavirus response
• Jimmy Kimmel: Another quarantine monologue
• Seth Meyers: Chris Hayes thinks Трамп’s coronavirus press briefings are dangerous
• Roll Call: Could Трамп force Congress to adjourn to allow for recess appointments?
• Bruce W. Nelson: A Poem for The Dotard Трамп, by Mangy Fetlocks

Tooning Out: Donny Deutsch gives Biden’s campaign a sexy rebrand

Samantha Bee: The Elizabeth Warren emergency reassurance zoom

SNL: Bernie Sanders address the nation.

Taina Asili: La Alegría [The Physical Distancing Remix].

Vice News: The law banning Congressional insider trading isn’t enough to stop it

Seth Meyers: Chris Hayes lays out the worst-case scenario for the 2020 election

Conan interviews Joe Biden’s campaign manager.

Last week’s Friday Night Multimedia Extravaganza can be found here.

Someone in my building got the Coronavirus. My super put a note under the door that all of the common areas would be deep cleaned yesterday.* So I guess this is the best time to do laundry and check the mail, even though they aren’t necessary for a bit?

And yet, I am stay putting. I also found some green tea in an unexpected place, so now I have a source of caffeine that doesn’t require cutting with milk. So I guess I can hold up for a bit longer without leaving the building.

[Read more…]

My parents’ friend made a bunch of masks and they sent some on to me. So, next time I go out, I will have minimal protection. And maybe will help other people not get whatever I might have. Still, not going out is probably the best.

And washing your hands. So go wash your hands right now.

I get so angry when people in the national media cite Washington bending the curve as good news. I, of course, am very grateful for everyone who is staying inside and everyone who can’t. But people describing 500 dead as good news because it isn’t more just feels off.

Anyway, wash your hands right now.

Stephen: Sen. Bernie Sanders wants voters to be protected in November.

Samantha Bee: How to legislate from home with Rep. Katie Porter.

John Oliver: OAN.

Robert Reich: How CEOs are ruining America

Bill Maher interviews Al Gore on the Climate.

ТрампPlague:

• Seth Meyers: Трамп wants his coronavirus failures to be “quickly forgotten”
• The Late Show: This year, consider praying from home
• Samantha Bee: The Трамп administration isn’t social distancing from its usual B.S.
• Stephen: President Трамп botches pandemic response and shifts coronavirus testing to the states
• Bruce W. Nelson: I’m replacing that old Jesus with my hero, Dotard Трамп
• J-L Cauvin: Трамп’s happy Good Friday!
• Wired: NASA astronaut’s guide to sheltering-in-place
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп is optimistic
• Trevor: Why coronavirus is Hitting the Black community hardest
• Seth Meyers: Трамп contradicts experts on coronavirus treatment after months of denial
• Me: Protect yourself going to the grocery store in a pandemic:

• Now This: Obama warned the U.S. to prepare for a pandemic back in 2014
• Francesca Fiorentini: Why it PAYS to be European during COVID-19
• Stephen: Social distancing rules left to the states while Трамп refuses to issue national stay-at-home order
• Mother Jones: Трамп’s press conferences are just infomercials now
• The Daily Show: The Dotard’s best word bracket—THE FINALS
• Trevor: Talking coronavirus with medical professionals & politicians
• Now This: Chris Cuomo opens up about his experience with COVID-19
• Sky News: Black and hispanic people ‘twice as likely to die’ in US from COVID-19
• Bruce W. Nelson: “We’re Talkin’ Trump” blues
• Seth and Amy: Really!?!—McConnell blames impeachment for Трамп’s COVID-19 response
• Lauren Mayer: “Is he really going out again?”

• Mark Fiore: Jared’s coronavirus task force
• Conan: Jesus’s socially distant Easter plans
• Bruce W. Nelson: Трамп will protect us
• The Late Show: Trump won’t be following CDC recommendations on wearing masks in public
• Now This: Трамп had plenty of warnings and still ignored the coronavirus
• Randy Rainbow: ANDY!
• Vox: The big lesson from South Korea’s coronavirus response
• AJ+: Why South Korea’s death rate is Lower than U.S.
• Jimmy Kimmel: Трамп’s a cheerleader
• The New Yorker: How the coronavirus pandemic exposes economic inequality
• Stephen: Pod Save America crew—Трамп’s coronavirus briefings offer dangerous mixed messages
• J-L Cauvin: The Dotard wants to MOVE Easter!:

• Late Night coronavirus PSA
• Lauren Mayer: I love a Governor
• Ari Melber: Трамп fact-checked for dangerous coronavirus claims
• Trevor: Трамп won’t wear mask as U.S nears “Pearl Harbor” moment
• MetalТрамп: Bleed
• The Late Show: A sweaty Mark Esper attempts to defend the firing of a navy captain over his COVID-19 warning
• Bruce W. Nelson: Jared!
• Seth Meyers: Трамп wants everyone to forget he ignored repeated coronavirus warnings
• The Daily Show: The winner of the Трамп’s best word bracket

Full Frontal: True American heroes—Katie Porter’s props.

Roll Call: Three ratings changes put Senate majority within reach for Democrats.

Bill Maher: Rain or shine monologue.

Winlar: Millionaires paid by billionaires:

Tooning Out The News: Season 1 Premiere.

Stephen: Sen. Bernie Sanders, bowing out of the race, gently breaks the news to supporters.

Last week’s Friday Night Multimedia Extravaganza can be found here.

I am starting to run out of stuff that I can’t replace at Pike Place Market or the corner store. I am currently eating some toast with the last of the Marmite. And I am nearly out of my favorite hot sauce. Both of these are things that I would pick up at the World Market, but it’s closed. I know that I could probably get these things online, but I would prefer not to have delivery people come into the building — that has elderly and immunocompromised people — just so I can get my preferred spread or hot sauce when others are available.

Folks. Keep up the social distancing. It’s tough, but you’re going to get through it. Downtown is still too crowded for me to feel comfortable taking a walk, but in general it seems like we’re doing pretty well. My mother’s friend has been making masks, and apparently some are in the mail for me. That’s probably better than a bandanna.

In any event, please wash your hands right now.

Oh hey, it’s the afternoon and I think that you’re just going to have to accept that this is open threads now.

Anyway, I need to say: Please don’t eat poison. The President is recommending that people eat poison, but it’s a bad idea. Please, please, please do not eat poison. Eat pasta. Or eat rice. Maybe eat lentils. Those are a much better option than poison.

Do, however, wash your hands right now.