HorsesAss.Org

Dear Gov. Palin,

Congratulations on your performance tonight.  You were comfortable, composed, and deft with the zingers, and there’s no question you’re easy on the eyes (you know, for a 44-year-old woman.)  Still, I’m guessing I’m not the only American who was hoping you might talk a little more substantively about your passionate stance on the issues.  You know, like reproductive rights.

You see, my daughter started middle school this week (an event I apparently found a lot more traumatic than she did) and with my only child on the verge of adolescence, my parental anxieties have started to fixate on dark thoughts of the inevitability of (ugh) boys.  I know what boys are like.  I was one once.  And thus, I hope my daughter stays away from them as long as possible.

But she won’t forever, and so in addition to what we teach her at home, I want my daughter to receive a medically accurate sex education at school. And while I sure hope she abstains until she’s away at college (where thankfully, I’ll never know about it), if, like the majority of teenagers, she does decide to become sexually active, I want her to have convenient access to effective birth control, emergency contraception, and God forbid, even the opportunity to safely terminate a pregnancy, should she so choose.

Now, I know that you believe that every human life is sacred from the very moment of conception, and I respect your beliefs, but as a fellow parent I would hope that you would respect my belief that arrogant theocrats like you should stay the fuck out of our schools, and out of the private life of my child with your abstinence-only, Christianist voodoo. Perhaps keeping the baby and marrying her beer-swigging dickweed of a boyfriend is the right choice for your 17-year-old daughter—who am I to question her decision?  But I don’t want my daughter to ever have to make that awful choice.

The very thought of some (ugh) boy despoiling my beautiful little girl cuts me like a knife through the heart, but I’m realistic enough to know that it’s eventually going to happen, so when it does I want to be damn sure that there is plenty of sturdy, cold latex encasing his undeserving cock.  (And I hope it greatly diminishes his pleasure.) You may consider my permissive attitude indicative of the moral decline of the secular left, but then, how’s all your sexual moralizing working out for you and your family, huh?

Best of luck on the rest of your campaign; I hope you enjoy explaining to American voters why you vehemently oppose legal abortion, even in the event of rape or incest, or to save the life of the mother.

Respectfully yours,

Goldy

I love humor. It’s what separates us from plankton and other single cell organisms, like multilevel marketing mavens and that guy on the cell phone standing in front of the lettuce talking about getting his car detailed.

So I heard this joke. Well, actually, I read it, but it’s still funny. It is attributed to some guy named Rev. John Hagee, apparently a supporter of Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona. It goes like this:

Do you know the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling Doberman pinscher? The answer is lipstick.

It’s an old joke but a good one. Not as good as “a nearsighted turtle in love with an Army helmet,” but close. Of course, as generations of Vaudevillians and Catskills performers found out, joke theft can be a problem.

Take my wife, please. To the ballot box.

Uh-oh…

John McCain’s campaign threatened legal action against the National Enquirer today for running a story about McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, allegedly having an affair with her husband’s business partner.

“The smearing of the Palin family must end. The allegations contained on the cover of the National Enquirer insinuating that Gov. Palin had an extramarital affair are categorically false. It is a vicious lie,” said McCain senior adviser Steve Schmidt.

“The efforts of the media and tabloids to destroy this fine and accomplished public servant are a disgrace. The American people will reject it.”

Yeah… well… maybe. The National Enquirer is a tawdry, supermarket rag with low standards, and I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could spit.  But they do occasionally break stories, as liberal-hater Jonah Goldberg ironically reminded us during the early days of the Edwards love-child story…

Also, it’s worth pointing out that while the Enquirer may or may not be scrupulous in its choice of stories — that’s in the eye of the beholder — it is pretty scrupulous about its facts. They win lawsuits. They’ve broken a host of stories the MSM guys couldn’t.

So if the Enquirer is scrupulous enough for right wingers when they’re tearing down Democrats…?

On the other hand, Karl Rove can be a crafty fucker, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the R’s seeded the Enquirer with a false scandal, so that when it blows up it discredits all the real scandals too.  We’ll see.

Oops.  Listen to an open microphone pick up the real thoughts of McCain advisor Mike Murphy and Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan on the pick of Sarah Palin as VP.  Ouch.

It’s been a while since our all-time favorite troll, Scott St. Clair (AKA The Crackpiper) has given me some good material for a post, but he’s been writing columns now at places like Crosscut and the Kirkland Reporter, and his insane and nonsensical ramblings have once again caught my eye. Here’s a recap of two of his latest efforts in unintentional comedy.

[Read more…]

President Bush says “the man we need is John McCain.”  Hell, I betcha he’d say we need Dave Reichert and Dino Rossi too.  Remember that on election day… these are the folks President Bush says we need.

Join us at the Seattle chapter of Drinking Liberally for an evening of politics under the influence. We begin at 8:00 pm at the Montlake Ale House, 2307 24th Avenue E, but some of us will be there early for Dinner and to watch the Republican National Comedy show.

Tonight’s activity is a contest to turn this flow chart into a board game:

Tonight’s theme song could only be Sarah Smile by Hall and Oats:

If you find yourself in the Tri-Cities area this evening, check out McCranium for the local Drinking Liberally. Otherwise, check out the Drinking Liberally web site for dates and times of a chapter near you.

The first thought that crossed my mind when I heard that Sen. John McCain had tapped Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate was that there were at least two Democrats in the Washington state delegation at Invesco Field who were more qualified to be president: King County Executive Ron Sims and Gov. Chris Gregoire.

Palin has been her state’s chief executive for only 18 months… and to call Alaska a “state” is almost too kind.  It’s population of 670,000 is the third smallest in the nation, about one tenth that of Washington state, and a little more than one third that of King County.  And while both Sims and Gregoire are forced to balance their budgets in sync with a fluctuating economy, Alaska’s oil royalties and reverse income tax force no such tough decisions.

Indeed, for all of Palin’s talk about fiscal conservatism and smaller government, Alaska’s state spending per capita, at $12,833, is by far the highest in the nation.  (Compared to only $5,303 in Washington state.)  And what do Alaskans get for all that money?  According to Governing Magazine, not all that much:

But, you know, Gov. Palin was clearly the most qualified for the job.  The most qualified, conservative, pro-life, creationist, Republican woman, that is.

Gov. Gregoire has served twelve years as Attorney General and four years as governor in one of the most prosperous and fastest growing states in the nation, while Executive Sims has served twelve years running a county that is larger than 14 states.  Yet local Republicans would have derisively mocked Barack Obama had either been elevated to the national ticket, while Gov. Palin, they tell us, she has the executive and foreign policy experience to lead the most powerful nation on earth.  Oh, gimme a break.

Sarah Palin is little more than a governor of a national park, whose petro-dollar based economy is more akin to that of Nigeria or Venezuela than to that of Washington state.  And given her well established secessionist leanings, the bulk of her foreign policy experience could only come from her dealings with the other 49 United States.

I don’t doubt that Palin focus groups well, and that she helps McCain enormously with his party’s evangelical base, but to hear our local Republicans defend her candidacy after months of attacking Barack Obama as being too inexperienced, well… if they could be any more cynical, I don’t know how.

Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

I’ve received a couple of angry and/or confused emails recently about the advertising on HA, and have heard tell of a couple more angry emails that haven’t come directly my way.  Folks want to know why the hell I’m accepting advertising from Republicans… and why the hell somebody doesn’t “cut me off at the knees” for doing it?

As to the first question, the answer is simple:  I need the money, and so far most Democrats haven’t been smart enough to lock up my prime advertising space for themselves.  For example, the premium ad space recently bought up by Toby Nixon (who cleverly doesn’t mention the fact that he’s a Republican)…?  That sat vacant for a week, heading into the obvious bump in traffic I would get during the Democratic convention.  I suppose I could have rejected Toby’s ad out of deference to Rep. Roger Goodman, whom I support in that race, but really, what does that buy me except the expectation that Dems don’t have to buy ads on HA because I’d never sell space to their opponents?

And as to the bizarre suggestion that somebody should “cut me off at the knees” for daring to make a little money on the side… um… cut me off from what? And, um… how?

You gonna fire me from a job I don’t have?  Cut off money I’m not getting?  Refuse to give me tidbits the dailies refuse to publish?  Who exactly do you think has the power or authority to rein me in?

What is it about Democrats, and progressives in general, that make you think that passionate advocates like me should have to work for free, and be responsive to your petty insecurities?  You want a tiny bit of control over me?  Fund me, goddamn it.  You want me to stop taking ads from Republicans?  You could start by buying some ads yourself.

But if you think that I can continue making the contribution I make, without the prospect of earning myself a decent white collar wage, you’re out of your minds.  I’ve got a November 2008 timeline, after which I need to step back and take stock of where I am and where I am going.  So if local Dems care enough about HA to get angry when I take ad money from Republicans, I hope they care enough to help me make this a going concern.

It was with great relief that New Orleanians awoke this morning to find their city largely spared by Hurricane Gustav, but many residents are still struggling to rebuild their lives three years after Hurricane Katrina… a rebuilding effort that has been as hampered by government incompetence and cronyism as the disastrously botched relief effort in the storm’s immediate wake.

As it so happens, today is the third anniversary of my post highlighting former FEMA director Mike Brown’s vast emergency management experience as the Commissioner of Judges and Stewards for the International Arabian Horse Association—a post that Brown himself ultimately blamed for his firing—and it is depressing to note that there is little reason to believe that FEMA is any better prepared to deal with a similar disaster.  But then, that’s the sort of government we get when we elect leaders who don’t actually believe in government.

Oh. My. God.

REUTERS — The father of the unborn baby being carried by the 17-year-old daughter of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is God, Palin said Tuesday in a statement released by the campaign of Republican presidential candidate John McCain.

The unexpected revelation, coming just one day after announcing that Alaska Gov. Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin is about five months pregnant, is intended to knock down criticism of the McCain campaign’s vetting process, while cementing Gov. Palin’s own standing with the Republican Party’s influential evangelical base. “We have been blessed with five wonderful children,” the Palin’s statement said, “And soon we will all be blessed with this miraculous birth.”

“Bristol and God are going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child, which is why they will have the love and support of our entire family. We ask the media to respect our daughter and God’s privacy as has always been the tradition of children of candidates.”

An aide to Arthur Culvahouse, the chair of McCain’s vice presidential search committee, has confirmed that the campaign was aware of Bristol Palin’s condition before tapping her mother as a running mate, but considers virgin conception a “private, personal and religious matter” that would not impact Gov. Palin’s ability to carry out her duties.

In other news, the New York Post has found God’s MySpace page, where he describes himself as a “fucking redneck” who “lives to play hockey.” He also claims to be “in a relationship,” but states, “I don’t want kids.”

Which I suppose explains what happened to Jesus.