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Around 200,000 customers are still without power four days after Thursday’s wind storm, but I’m not one of them. My power came up around 7PM tonight, and my cat is damn thankful.

Personally, I’d like to thank all the people who offered to put me up over the past few days, but I felt if I were to write credibly about the outage I couldn’t abandon my neighbors. Or my cat. I also want to thank the several people who offered to lend me a generator (except for the guy who insisted I run it in my basement.) And of course, I want to thank all the linemen who have been pulling long shifts to bring heat and light to the rest of us.

More later, but for now I desperately just want to climb into a warm bed and watch some TV.

UPDATE:
I woke up this morning to find my house at 52 degrees. I can’t tell you how nice it is to have things back to normal.

UPDATE, UPDATE:
I just took a long, hot, wasteful shower, and then threw out about $150 worth of food. I feel like an American again.

I first heard about Gov. Gregoire’s viaduct “punt” last Friday following the big wind storm right as I was in the middle of a two-hour commute from Redmond to U-Dub. (Yeah…I know I should have stayed home, but I didn’t really have a choice.) Normally, my commute is 25 minutes by car or an hour by bus. On Friday, however, the SR520 floating bridge was shut down to repair wind damage. At about the one hour mark, crawling along at under 10 mph on I-405, I was contemplating the many ways my quality of life would decline if the SR520 bridge decided to sink. And then the news broke about Gregoire’s statement.

Frankly, I was irritated by another delay in replacing a failing piece of critical infrastructure. Gregiore had her chance to be The Decider™ and she decided to punt. Or so I thought from the media account.

After the sting of a painful commute faded, I looked into Gregoire’s statement and it became clear to me that she had, in fact, made nearly all of the important decisions. She decided that all options were out except the tunnel and the rebuild. Essentially, Gregoire validated (politically and practically) the engineering, environmental, and fiscal analyses found in DOT’s Supplemental Draft, Environmental Impact Statement (DEIS) that rejected all but these two options. And eliminating the fringe options is a good decision.

The DEIS dealt with each fringe option in turn. I’ll only mention the so-called no-replacement option because, I believe, Goldy disagrees with me on it. The DEIS finds that the no-replacement option isn’t viable:

• Replacing the viaduct with a four-lane surface street would substantially increase congestion for most of the day and part of the evening on I-5 through downtown Seattle, downtown streets, and Alaskan Way. These congested conditions are predicted to occur even if improvements were made to downtown streets and transit ridership substantially increased.
• I-5 through Seattle doesn’t have room for additional trips since it’s already congested through much of the day and into the evening. However, under the No Replacement concept, many trips that currently use the viaduct would shift to I-5, causing it to become even more congested.
• Downtown street traffic would increase by 30 percent, though traffic increases to specific areas like Pioneer Square and the waterfront could exceed 30 percent.
• With a four-lane roadway, traffic on Alaskan Way would quadruple to 35,000 to 56,000 vehicles per day compared to about 10,000 vehicles today. This traffic would make it difficult for patrons to get to waterfront businesses and would create more conflicts between vehicles and the many bicyclists and pedestrians that use Alaskan Way.
• Neighborhoods west of I-5 (Ballard, Queen Anne, Magnolia, and West Seattle) would have less direct connections to and through downtown; therefore, travel times for trips to and through downtown would increase for drivers from these areas.

A four-lane Alaskan Way would create more congestion on I-5 and downtown streets than the Surface Alternative evaluated in the Draft EIS. The project partners dropped the Surface Alternative because it didn’t meet the AWV Project’s purpose, which is to “maintain or improve mobility, accessibility, and traffic safety for people and goods along the existing Alaskan Way Viaduct Corridor.”

More congestion, longer trip times, and greater susceptibility to accidents, construction, and events? No thanks. The no-replacement option would make a trip to (or through) downtown Seattle less desirable than a field trip through a rendering plant. If anything, it’s a plan to slowly strangle downtown Seattle.

I’m also not convinced by reports that other cities have removed capacity with minimal long term effects. Such decisions are generally not made randomly—there is engineering judgment that precedes such a drastic move. With I-5 at capacity and downtown already too congested at peak times, the engineering judgment suggests that the Seattle waterfront is not a good candidate for capacity reduction.

Gregoire made another important decision. She decided that the decision between the tunnel option and the rebuild option would come down to a vote of the people. But not just any people. She put it up to a vote by the people who would gain the greatest benefit. Oh…and the people who would have to pay the price difference for a tunnel.

The Seattle Times editorial board refers to this as Gregoire’s pragmatic punt.

Effectively, Gregoire is saying, “we will go with the rebuild option because the State has an obligation to replace an important and failing part of the highway infrastructure and, by the way, Seattle, if you want a tunnel instead let us know (soon!) and, if so, include your credit card number.”

What some consider a “punt” is really an offer of an upgrade option for Seattle.

The tunnel upgrade option for Seattle is good politics, too. If the voters decide to spend a couple billion of their own dollars for the tunnel, who can deny them? Or if the voters cheap-out and decide that a rebuilt monstrosity along the waterfront is good enough, then…well, then let them lie in their own noise pollution.

This morning on KUOW’s Weekday, Joni Balter and Joel Connelly had a mini-debate over the Governor’s decision. Balter considered the decision strategically sound. Why? Because Gregoire knows that House Speaker Frank Chopp will do everything he can legislatively to kill the tunnel. And Mayor Nickels will interfere with any attempt to implement the rebuild option. As Balter points out, there is one power higher than Gregoire, and that is the voters.

Joel Connelly, on the other hand, felt that Gregoire offered a shanked punt. We pay her to be The Decider™, and she ought to decide. In case you haven’t figured it out, I find Balter’s arguments more compelling.

Clearly, Gregoire favors the rebuild option; she probably expects Seattle to fail in coming up with either the public support or the funding for a tunnel. The ball is now in Nickels’ court to both build public support and convert his fantasy funding plan into something grounded in reality.

The DEIS prices the tunnel at between $3.6 and $4.3 billion, and the elevated rebuild from $2.5 to $2.9 billion. Funding for the rebuild is almost in place, as there is now $2.45 billion committed to the project, including $2.2 billion from the State, $0.24 billion from the Feds, and $0.016 billion from Seattle.

The tunnel option would likely draw an additional $500 million from Seattle and $200 million from the Port of Seattle. Other potential funding sources include a local improvement district (actually, this was proposed by Goldy) that could provide $250 million, a regional ballot measure (i.e. new taxes), additional Army Corps of Engineers funding for the seawall part of the project, and additional Federal highway and emergency relief funding.

In the long run, the tunnel option offers significant advantages. Most importantly, it will remake the downtown Seattle waterfront. Have you ever walked from the Pike Place Market to the waterfront? Man…talk about an unpleasant experience! A tunnel would …

…dramatically decrease noise levels by about 12 A-weighted decibels (dBA) along the waterfront. This would sound like cutting the noise level by more than half. Noise along the central section of the project corridor is currently loud and would not change much if the Elevated Structure Alternative is built.

The way I see it, the tunnel option is a long term investment, and one that will be appreciated by generations of Seattleites. I can imagine thirty years from now, two lovers will be strolling down to the waterfront, hand in hand. Under one scenario they’ll excitedly discuss their future life together as they take in the pleasant views. Under the other scenario, one will bellow at the other , “I can’t believe they built a fucking freeway through the waterfront!”

So I hope Seattle goes for the option…who knows what kind of difference it could make. I’m just sayin’.

The good news is that it can’t possibly get any more miserable in my house. After three-and-a-half days without power the indoor and outdoor temperatures have pretty much equalized. My refrigerator thermometer (no longer needed in my fridge) recorded 36 degrees in my living room this morning, about halfway between today’s expected high and expected low. So if I’m forced to sleep yet another night in an unheated house, it certainly couldn’t get any worse than last night.

Of course I’m far from the only one suffering through the power outage, a fact I was reminded of constantly throughout my four hours on 710-KIRO last night as I took calls from cold, tired people throughout the region. Some just wanted to complain, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that. Some called to offer take in those less fortunate, and it was wonderful to hear such generosity. A few callers actually seemed to be enjoying the adventure. More power to them. (So to speak.)

But most were clearly frustrated at least as much by the lack of useful information out there as they were by the inconvenience and discomfort. Puget Sound Energy customers — of which over 200,000 households were still dark last night — were especially angry over what they felt to be a lack of responsiveness from their power company. After three hours of callers bashing PSE on-air, I finally challenged the company to call in and give me an update… and to their credit they did.

Likewise, Seattle City Light eventually responded to repeated calls from linemen who were angry that they were being pulled from the field last night when they felt they were still fresh. City Light Superintendent Jorge Carrasco called in to explain that only crews that had been out in the field for 17 hours or longer were being pulled, but linemen continued to call KIRO to refute him. This went on for hours, with linemen and customers growing increasingly suspicious until finally a manager called in to explain that yes indeed, most crews were being called in from the fields, but only so that they could synchronize teams the next morning in the daylight. One can disagree with that strategy if one wants, but at least it’s a reasonable explanation to what at first seemed to be an unreasonable management decision.

I mention all this because it points out how important good communications and PR is, not just to corporations and government officials, but to customers and constituents. I know a few government communications officials, and I love to tease them as sell-outs and hacks (yeah… I’m talking about you Sandeep,) but the truth is they provide a valuable service.

It’s one thing to be kept in the dark due to downed power lines. We all understand the enormity of the situation and the incredible work the linemen and other crews are putting into restoring our power. But it is just damn frustrating to be figuratively kept in the dark about the pace of repairs, and the decision making process that has led management to focus their efforts on some areas over others.

Stations like KIRO have pretty much covered the outage 24/7 since the wind storm hit, and company and public officials are being just plain stupid if they’re waiting for us to call them to get the latest updates and information. The linemen in the field are so dedicated to their work that they’re calling to complain when they’re pulled off the job. The communications staffs need to be just as tireless and proactive.

The media, legacy and new, is a valuable resource. Use us.

POSTSCRIPT:
As long as I’m lecturing corporate America, I thought I’d send a message to Starbucks… a message sent via the free WiFi network provided by Tully’s. Perhaps Tully’s free WiFi hasn’t directly generated enough extra business to make up for the revenues they could have earned by charging for the service, but it has certainly generated an enormous amount of goodwill and customer loyalty. Given a choice, I’ll certainly choose Tully’s over Starbucks in the future, if only out of a sense of gratitude.

There’s more to running a good business than counting beans — even when it comes to selling coffee.

It’s almost midnight, and I’m sitting here in my car in the parking lot by Tully’s, tapping into their WiFi so I can check my email. It’s now been three days without power, and my house is freezing. This really sucks.

It’s all power outage all the time tonight on “The David Goldstein Show” on Newsradio 710-KIRO. In fact, there’s so much to talk about (or so I’m told) they’ve given me an extra hour. So join me and my special guest Feisty from 7PM to 11PM.

Tune in tonight (or listen to the live stream) and give me a call: 1-877-710-KIRO (5476).

Finally. 58 hours after the power went out I no longer need to drive all the way to the Tully’s on Broadway to charge my cellphone and tap into the Internet. Instead I’m sitting here charging up (and warming up) at the Tully’s on Genesee and Rainier. I guess that’s progress.

Needless to say I’m still without power, as are twenty thousand or so of my neighbors in and around the Rainier Valley, which apparently is one of the last places in the city where main feeders are still down. Not that I know for sure, because I can’t get through to Seattle City Light’s “hotline” this morning.

Of course, despite all my whining, I can’t say the prolonged power outage is entirely without its positives. We tend to learn a lot about ourselves when faced with adversity, and I for one have learned that I really like electricity. A lot.

Electricity does all kinds of cool things. Like keep my food cold — or even frozen — so it doesn’t spoil. It also does a lot of warm things, like… well… keep me warm. That’s cool. Or warm. Whatever.

It got so cold in my house last night that my cat actually tried to join me and the dog in bed. (The dog was, how shall we say…? Uncooperative.) I can’t tell you exactly how cold it was in my house this morning because the indicator on my thermostat only goes down to 40 degrees. I can tell you that unlike her outside water bowl, my dog’s inside water bowl has not frozen over. Yet. So my house is somewhere within that 8-degree range between virtually freezing and literally freezing.

I’ve gotten a couple emails and comments from readers telling me to quit my whining… that I should have just been better prepared. But I’m not sure how much better prepared I could have been. I’ve got a wind-up radio and some candles and a couple flashlights and plenty of food. And with the dead pear tree that blew down in my yard, I have plenty of well-seasoned firewood. Unfortunately, what I don’t have is a fireplace in which to burn it.

I suppose I could have bought myself a generator to power the blower on my oil furnace, but for a city dweller, that just seems like overkill. It’s not like I’m living on some island or out in the country where the occasional power outage is the price you pay for the beauty and peace that comes from such isolation. I live in the middle of a major American city, and it is reasonable to expect the basic infrastructure to function.

Still, I don’t have it nearly as bad as others. My daughter is with her mother staying with family in Mill Creek, and I was fortunate to have a full tank of gas when the windstorm hit. But the Rainier Valley is filled with working class families, many of them immigrants, who don’t have the same resources or safety net. I’ve run into a couple families from my daughter’s school, and they describe people combing the streets for firewood, and elderly neighbors with no heat and no place to go.

And man, is my cat pissed.

UPDATE:
I’ve heard a lot of news reports about fights at the pumps as filling stations run out of gas. Well, the power is back up along most of Rainier Ave. S., and there are no lines at the gas stations. So fill ‘er up.

I was awakened this morning by my dog snuggling up against me in bed, shivering. Pussy. Granted, with my power still out it was 46 degrees, but that’s only a touch colder than I normally let my house get at night.

(Funny annecdote. I’ve got an old kitchen that probably hasn’t seen a major redesign since the house was built in 1912, thus my fridge actually sits outside the kitchen on an uninsulated, enclosed porch. I keep a thermometer in my fridge, and at 39 degrees, it was actually warmer inside the fridge than outside. My freezer has already defrosted, but at least my condiments won’t freeze.)

No doubt I was woefully unprepared for a prolonged power outage, but then again, I live in the middle of a fucking city, so I wasn’t expecting one barring a major disaster. Sure, we’ve got some rugged country around here, and we expect blackouts from downed trees and such. But not in-city. If this is what happens after a windstorm, imagine what it’s going to be like after a major earthquake? So here I am again back at the Tully’s on Broadway, recharging my iBook and my cellphone. (The Sony Ericsson W600i, by the way, has a helluva a useful flashlight function. Who knew?)

I don’t know enough about the situation to question the pace of repairs, but I do wonder a bit about the priorities. Down here in South Seattle, we tend to have a little chip on our shoulders about what we perceive to be a less than equal share of city services, so it didn’t escape my attention this morning when I called Seattle City Light for an update, and they proudly announced that they had restored all the downed feeders in the more affluent North end of the city, leaving us in the South end to freeze our asses off in the dark. The recording said that of the 55 feeders originally down, the 30 remaining are all in the South. Yippee.

But I suppose my dog and I should just put a few more layers of fleece on and throw my downed pear tree on the fire. Except, of course, not only don’t I have a fridge in my kitchen, I don’t have a fireplace either.

If only they allowed dogs inside Tully’s we could camp out here.

I’ll be on KING-5 TV’s Up Front with Robert Mak this Sunday, talking about the War on Christmas. (The feds have me classified as an “unlawful enemy combatant.”) Tune in to KING-5 at 9:30PM or NWCN at 8:00PM.

And in addition to my usual Sunday night show on 710-KIRO (7PM to 10PM) I’ll be filling in for Frank Shiers Tuesday 12/19 and Wednesday 12/20 (9PM to midnight) and for Dave Ross and Ron Reagan all of Christmas week (12/25 through 12/29, 9AM to 1PM.) Good thing I like to talk.

I was just thinking….

The last big windstorm was known as the Inauguration Day Storm because it fell on the day Bill Clinton was inaugurated.

The worst windstorm ever in this region is known as the Columbus Day Storm because it happened on Columbus day in 1962.

Maybe we should call this one the Rummy Retirement Day Storm?

It’s rainy and windy in Seattle, and apparently that’s big news. Go figure.

UPDATE:
Yeah, well, I’m sitting in a Tully’s on Capitol Hill, charging my cell phone, my iBook and myself. I lost power about 2AM, apparently as did the entire SE area of Seattle. Didn’t hit a working light until a few blocks South of here.

All I can say is that the only time I’ve experienced sustained winds like that was a tail-end of a hurricane as a child. That was some windstorm.

After getting pummeled in races all over the Eastside, you’d think GOP clowns might wonder how they lost the confidence of suburban voters. While Republicans got horsewhipped on all sorts of issues, no issue united moderate suburban swing voters more than transportation.

A little background…

In ’05, the GOP lined up in favor of I-912, while Eastside cities voted against it. Sen. Luke Esser, citing his personal pledge to always send tax increases to a vote of the people, turned down a billion dollars for a new 520 bridge. In ’06, voters turned Luke Esser out on his ass. Bellevue Republicans like Jennifer Dunn tried to block a Federal grant for Sound Transit. Today, Bellevue city leaders are arguing over exactly how Sound Transit light rail should go through downtown Bellevue. The Eastside is trending Democratic because, in many cases the GOP is against the kind of “big government” suburban folks seem to want more of.

Where are GOP activists on transportation these days? Eric Earling is on the case, and he defends spending money on light rail because, well, people seem to want it:

The honest truth is a region composed of suburbs surrounding an urban center needs both transit options and significant spending on roads. Both are necessary for reasons of transportation planning and political demand.

Stefan is not convinced that supporting the RTID package is worth it if we get more “awful” light rail:

Exactly how is light rail “necessary”? And at what price is it still desirable? And since when is existence of “political demand” a good reason for voters and taxpayers to support a disastrous policy?

Anti-government types cannot fathom how folks would want to pay more sales tax for something that’s going to get them out of traffic. Perhaps light rail is a bad idea, but it seems to be a very popular bad idea.

In cities where light rail is built, folks are always skeptical. Why not just pour more money into buses? It’s cheaper! You hear folks say that. In Tacoma, their light rail line started as a bus line. During the first year light rail operated, the ridership had quintupled. Five times as many people rode rail as rode the bus! Buses don’t have that appeal, and they don’t go as fast, and they don’t spur development. There’s no wonder why Tacoma residents are demanding that the line be extended.

Even though Sound Transit’s initial light rail line isn’t finished, plans are being made for expansion east over I-90 to Bellevue and perhaps to Redmond. As a former Eastsider, I can tell you, folks out there are not quite as “gung-ho” on transit investment as your typical Seattle types. Don’t get me wrong, they like their Park & Rides, and they like those fancy commuter busses. Eastside leaders have done their homework and asked tough questions of Sound Transit. On the Eastside, folks of both political parties have come to the conclusion that light rail is something they want, and will benefit their cities well into the future.

Perhaps the most compelling argument I’ve seen for increased investment in transit comes from an unlikely source: conservative/libertarian columnist Paul Weyrich. Here are his thoughts on the issue.

I have written [articles] making the conservative case for rail transit, including streetcars. It seems the public agrees with us because while in State after State conservatives have won ballot initiatives in many of these same States transit initiatives also have won. The libertarians have made the case that money for public transit is a waste. They want more roads. That is a form of subsidized transportation as well. But they don’t see it that way because individuals can drive. However, in city after city which has adopted light rail an overflow crowd has elected to use it as opposed to driving.

Also, this amazing fact:

In 2004 the huge transit program in Denver, promising 118 miles of new rail lines, passed with support from Republican counties. The Democratic counties in the transit district voted no. Before any more propaganda is put forth by libertarians on the issue of support for public transit, folks ought to look at the facts. Who has voted for transit? And who is riding it once it is built? When those facts are evaluated the libertarian arguments go up in smoke. [Emphasis added]

If the GOP in friggin’ Denver can understand the benefits of light rail, why can’t these guys?

Sigh.

Last week, the Washington Supreme Court ruled that Sound Transit could continue to collect its car-tabs tax, which had been repealed by a statewide vote of the people. Legally, the court was probably correct, but it was not fair to taxpayers.

The case was about Initiative 776, sponsored by Tim Eyman. This page did not support I-776, but in 2002, Washington’s voters did, and it became law.

I can only assume that the Seattle Times editorial board is fully aware that I-776 failed within the Sound Transit taxing district by an impressive 43% to 57% margin, so when the Times complains that the Supreme Court decision is “not fair to taxpayers,” I’m not exactly sure which taxpayers they’re talking about. Is it “not fair to taxpayers” in the Seattle and North King County subarea of Sound Transit who not only pay the bulk of the cost of the light rail project, but who voted against I-776 in even larger numbers? Or is it “not fair to taxpayers” in Eastern Washington who… um… don’t pay any tax in support of light rail and who didn’t even have a local MVET tax to begin with, but who nonetheless voted in favor of I-776, mostly as a big fuck you to Seattle?

I-776 was a statewide initiative that promised to kill Sound Transit’s light rail project, but which overwhelmingly failed amongst those voters who actually paid the voter-approved local MVET tax it repealed. So how could one possibly describe the court’s decision as “not fair to taxpayers,” assuming one defines “taxpayers” as the voters who actually, um… pay taxes?

Hmm. Or to put it another way for the benefit of the Seattle Times editorial board: I-776 was soundly rejected by those voters who actually paid the tax it repealed, and any suggestion to the contrary would be misleading.

It is one thing to mislead your readers about, say, the Swedish tax system or a political candidate. But it’s another thing to mislead your readers about themselves.

Seems up here in the dark, rainy Pacific Northwest, we had a little stink on our hands that’s made national news, especially among those phony “War On Christmas” types who can never keep their facts, or religions, straight.

You see, over at Sea-Tac International Hyphenated Airport, they put up the usual, you know, Christmas trees. And some rabbi threatened to sue if they didn’t also put up a display of a Menorah to commemorate Hanukkah. Just like they put up at the City of Seattle and any number of other government-owned properties in the region. So what did the Hyphenated Airport brain trust do? Against the pleadings of the rabbi and his lawyer, the airport took the trees down instead.

And then, if you’ll pardon the Satanic reference, all Hell broke loose. That includes Bill O’Reilly, pronged tail and all.

The upshot now is that the airport has redecked its halls with trees, the rabbi says the whole thing has been blown way out of proportion (and he won’t sue), and some panel will meet — after the holidays, naturally –- to discussion among themselves how to be more inclusive.

And the Hell of it is (there’s that word again), the Christmas tree is not a Christian symbol. It predates the birth of Christ by a couple thousand years. As does the yule log, mistletoe, gift giving, the works. That whole just-after-the-longest-night rebirth of life thing. I’m even betting the fat guy with the reindeer and sleigh didn’t come from old Judea, either.

Most of what we know as Christmas, in other words, originated with the pagans (and, in some cases, the Romans), and was appropriated by Christians to celebrate the birth of Christ at the one time of year He couldn’t possibly have been born. The Bible is imprecise on this point, but we do know the shepherds were out tending their flocks — which doesn’t happen in the dead of winter. Desert winter nights are cc-c-o-l-d.

So, speaking on behalf of all Neo-Pagan and Wiccan types out there, perhaps I should threaten to sue Sea-Tac to include our religion, too –- but that’s no good, because they’re already using our symbol! Christians attacked us! (And isn’t that the way of the world?) More precisely, Christians attacked Christmas. But they were just the first of a long list.

Yeah, Christians have attacked Christmas. So have capitalist greed, insane consumerism, and the seeming lack of familiarity of many Christians with the basic tenets of their namesake, aka The Prince of Peace. Don’t believe me? Try combining, with a straight face, Bill O’Reilly’s name with any of the following phrases: Forgiveness. Turning the Other Cheek. The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth. Go ahead. I double-dare you. Lose and you have to watch his show, and vice versa: if you have to watch his show, you lose.

Or, as Gandhi said, “The only people in the world who don’t know Christ was a pacifist are Christians.”

(I should add that some of my best friends are Christians, and the ones I know that do try to follow their faith are wonderful, inspiring people. And, in my experience, a minority.)

And so we get tempests in treepots like this year’s airport fiasco. The reports are already swirling wildly that the rabbi demanded the trees be removed (he didn’t), that the Jews and the godless secularists at the ACLU are in cahoots (we should be so lucky), and that the liberals in Hollywood, hearing the word “war,” are scouting for a movie treatment (probably true). This preposterous nonsense is sort of like the run-up to the Iraq War, and, oddly enough, is being propagated by many of the same people. It’s fiction, based sorta loosely on what might once have been a fact, being harnessed in the service of a preordained and flatly ridiculous conclusion.

It’s a bunch of rich white guys, the folks screwing 90% of America, trying to create a fake controversy so they can stand with (as opposed to on) the little folks. What war on a holiday? By whom? How can the 80 percent of this country that calls itself Christian be under serious attack, let alone the threat of annihilation, by anyone, unless it’s some idiot who talks to and hears from God constantly and has his finger on the nuclear button?

Oh.

Seriously, Christianity under attack by Jews, the ACLU, secular humanists and godless atheists? That’s like saying Burkina Faso is about to wipe out every member of the U.N. Security Council.

And, granted, such an attack would be the religious equivalent of Gallipoli. Where do I sign up? I want my trees back. While you’re at it, stop using the maypole, too. Go make your own springtime life-is-never-ending holiday. Call it “Easter.”

Circumcision not only cuts off your foreskin, it also cuts in half your risk of contracting HIV:

Two major studies released Wednesday confirmed that circumcision can dramatically slow the spread of HIV among African men, suggesting that widely offering the procedure could prevent millions of deaths in countries most seriously affected by AIDS, researchers said.

The studies, in Kenya and Uganda, found that circumcised men are about 50 percent less likely to contract HIV than those who are not, a result that echoed similar research last year from South Africa. In all three studies, the results were so persuasive that researchers stopped their experiments several months early and offered circumcisions to all of the subjects, deeming it unethical to withhold a procedure that might prevent an often-fatal disease.

In related news, recent studies show that Jews are over one thousand times less likely to be killed or injured due to Christmas tree fires. So there.