Local Democrats have a lot of reasons to feel awfully damn confident about today’s election, but the weather is not one of them. Higher turnout generally favors Democrats, lower turnout Republicans. And heavy rain? Well, that’s never good for Democratic turnout.
But don’t take my word for it. On this soggy Election Day let’s harken back to the sage advice of state Sen. Luke Esser (R-Nervous), who wrote a column on this very same subject in the UW Daily, way back on Nov. 3, 1986, the day before that year’s midterm election.
Blame us for the rain tomorrow.
Forget what the weatherman says, and plan on wearing those galoshes Tuesday. You better trust us. We’re taking care of everything.
There’s a very good reason why we have decide to rain on your parade. It’s just politics. And taken the right way, politics can be a lot of fun, almost as fun as sports.
We all remember those great political traditions — whistle-stop tours, kissing babies, voter fraud, dirty tricks, and voting a straight Republican ticket.
Of course, no honest person would be content to blindly vote a straight Republican ticket. That’s because a few of the G.O.P. candidates aren’t conservative enough to deserve the honor of sharing party affiliation with the likes of President Reagan.
Like any sport worth its salt, in politics you have adversaries, opponents, enemies. Our enemies are loudmouth leftists and shiftless deadbeats. To win the election, we have to keep as many of these people away from the polls as possible.
Now your average leftist loudmouth is a committed individual and can almost never be persuaded to ignore his constitutional rights. The deadbeats, however, are a different matter entirely. Years of interminable welfare checks and free government services have made these modern-day sloths even more lazy. They will vote on election day, if it isn’t much of a bother. But even the slightest inconvenience can keep them from the polling place.
Many of the most successful anti-deadbeat voter techniques (poll taxes, sound beatings, etc.) that conservatives have used in the past have been outlawed by busybody judges.
The only means of persuasion left available to us are Acts of God, who we know is exclusively on our side. I’m talking about seriously inclement weather. I want Biblical floods and pestilence. I will settle for rain, sweet rain. The deadbeats won’t even go out in the rain for their welfare checks (they send one of their social workers to pick it up). There’s no way they’ll vote if it’s raining.
Unfortunately it hasn’t been raining nearly enough lately. Some October days were positively balmy. That means the clouds need a little help.
Borrowing some of the great traditions of the natives of our area, Washington conservatives will gather in Bellevue tonight to hold their first annual Rain Dance. Those interested can gather in the northeast parking lot of Bel Square (corner of N.E. 8th St. and Bellevue Way) at 8 p.m.
Working together, we can assure that only people of substance will vote tomorrow. Remember to bring your dancing shoes tonight and don’t forget those galoshes tomorrow.
Ah well, some things never change… that is, other than Esser’s hippie beard and tub-o-lard college physique. (And for those of you who don’t accept Esser’s denial that he is gay, just take a look at that wardrobe. Have you ever seen a gay man with such an utter lack of fashion sense?)
Esser doesn’t just want to suppress the Democratic vote, he’s proud of it. And while I suppose his column may have been a feeble attempt at humor, many a feeble truth is said in feeble jest. In fact, if one didn’t know better, one might think that this was a satirical column written by Democrat pretending to be a Republican.
Poll taxes, beatings, voter fraud… young master Luke apparently thought all that was funny. But then, what’s the big deal when your enemies are just a bunch of loudmouth leftists and shiftless deadbeats?
So if you haven’t yet voted, and you’re not sure if you really want to trudge through the rain to cast your ballot, just remember that fat, hairy Luke and his Republican buddies are laughing at you. Then go to the polls and kick the bastards out.