Dear Chairman Vance,
I cannot tell you how sorry I am to see you step down as chairman of the Washington State Republican Party, as you and I have worked so well together over recent years, apparently pursuing the same goal (you know… electing Democrats.) But the end of your political career is an opportunity for a new chapter in mine, and so I am pleased to officially put my name in for consideration as the new state GOP chair.
A Democratic partisan like me leading the state Republicans? Why the sudden change of heart?
Well, I can’t say that my recent snubbing by the Seattle City Council hasn’t impacted my decision to switch sides, but mostly it’s because I’ve always enjoyed the challenge of tilting at windmills, and I can’t think of anything more quixotic than seeking to turn around the state GOP’s fortunes after your disastrous leadership. Besides, I could use the money.
While a stridently liberal and foul-mouthed, Democratic blogger like me may not seem like the obvious choice to lead the state GOP to victory, I believe that I would bring to the chairmanship a unique and valuable strategic prospective sorely missing from the lobbyists-in-training and anti-scientific knuckle-draggers who have come to dominate the party’s leadership. For example, I doubt any other candidate is willing to tell the central committee the blunt truth… that state Republicans simply cannot win on the issues… that party leaders are too far out of touch with reality, let alone the mainstream of public opinion, to ever have hopes of gaining a majority.
What would Chairman Goldstein do to change this? Well, I suppose state Republicans could just start listening to voters, but hah… we both know that’s not going to happen. So I suggest that if the GOP wants to avoid achieving permanent minority status, the next chairman is going to have to start playing dirty.
No, stop laughing. I know you think you’ve been playing dirty all along. But I’m talking real dirty. Rolling in the muck, swallowing it, shitting it out, and eating your own excrement dirty. You know… Karl Rove dirty.
The King County GOP’s last-minute voter registration challenge was a good start and all, but the new state chair has to start thinking bigger and, well… dirtier. And if you ask the righties in my comment threads, they’ll tell you there’s nobody more qualified for that job than me.
So here are a few of the proposals and policy initiatives I intend to implement to promote the GOP’s proud agenda, should I be elected the new chairman of the Washington State Republican Party:
Katherine Harris for Secretary of State.
I mean, really… what’s the use of electing a Republican Secretary of State if when it comes to administering close elections, he’s just going to follow the law for chrisakes? Us Republicans need an SOS who understands that party loyalty always comes before petty, bureaucratic dictates like, say, the RCW, the state Constitution, or “personal ethics.” If we’d had a party stalwart like Katherine Harris in charge instead of that pussy Sam Reed, Dino Rossi would be governor today. Hell, with Harris as SOS, Will Baker would likely be State Auditor!
Purge the rolls.
And I don’t just mean the voter registration rolls. I mean every roll that produces any sort of official ID: driver’s licensing, library cards, Costco memberships… you name it. Combine that with a provision that requires photo ID to register to vote, and voila… we’ll have finally cleaned the voter rolls of all those pesky voters.
Institute a Poll Tax.
Man, those Democrats sure do love raising taxes, don’t they? Just dedicate a Poll Tax towards some knee-jerk, liberal, pork barrel, waste-of-money like education or health care for sick children, and those dumb schmucks Frank Chopp and Lisa Brown will do our dirty work for us. The Dems disenfranchising their own voters? It’s like taking candy from a baby… only sweeter.
Lynchings.
Anne Coulter’s got it right. Nothing like hanging a few aging hippies from the Fremont bridge to keep all those uppity liberals in their place.
As you can see, what I lack in party loyalty, conservative ideology, and qualifications, I more than make up for in sheer ruthlessness. I look forward to being invited to participate in a vigorous debate with my fellow candidates, and the opportunity to give the Washington state GOP the kind of leadership it deserves.
Sincerely,
David Goldstein
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