I Like Mike

At one point during my first full day as a Republican yesterday, I was overcome by doubt. I had publicly announced my support for Mike Huckabee, but I realized that I didn’t have a good reason—as a Republican—to support him.

I mean, as a Democrat I’d have every reason to support Huckabee as the Republican Nominee. All national polls show him losing to both Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. My own analyses of state head-to-head polls suggest that Clinton and Obama would beat Huckabee.

Now that I am a Republican I really should have some positive reasons to support the Huckster. So I examined his positions on many issues and realized I disagreed with almost all of them:

  • I find Huckabee’s positions on homosexuality antediluvian. I disagree with his opposition to civil unions, same-sex marriage, and adoption by same-sex couples. I disagree with the harebrained idea of a constitutional amendment defining “marriage” as a union between one man and one woman.
  • I am fundamentally opposed to Huckabee’s stance on abortion. In fact, I have voted for Republicans before over this very issue. While living in Pennsylvania in 1998, I voted for Sen. Arlen Specter instead of his “pro-life” Democratic opponent Bill Lloyd.
  • I cannot agree with Mike’s opposition to embryonic stem cell research.
  • I think Huckabee is a idiot for refusing to accept the findings of modern evolutionary theory (hell…even the Catholic Church has recognized for some 30 years that biological evolution is real and is not incompatible with Christianity).
  • I don’t agree with Huckabee at all on education—charter schools, display of the Ten Commandments in public schools, or “character education” in public schools. Give me a fucking break!
  • Huckabee’s promise to replace the income tax with a national sales tax is utterly ludicrous.
  • I don’t agree with Huckabee’s anti-gun control stance.
  • I oppose Huckabee’s opposition to a government-mandated universal health care system. And I think his ideas for isolating AIDS patients is fucked-up!
  • On immigration I cannot figure out where the Huckster stands—it looks like he is all over the place.
  • I find the Chuck Norris thing really, really creepy.
  • Huckabee is a Southern Baptist minister. Even though I was baptized at age nine as an American Baptist (and later became a Lutheran), Southern Baptists frighten me. They strike me as having a high proportion of radical extremists in their midst….
  • Finally, I think Huckabee’s ideas of changing the Constitution to be more God-friendly reveal a radical extremist side to the man that I find scary.

In fact, there are only a small number of issues that I agree with Mike on. I pondered my political paradox. And then I fretted…and I fretted some more, and I….

Then, in the midst of my fretting, it struck me!

I don’t have to use rational positions, logic, consistency, or ethics at all. I’m a Republican now!

Being a Republican means never having to say you’re sorry for eschewing logic, rationality, consistency or ethics in a political context. As a Republican, all I need is a positive emotional response to Huckabee—some emotional bond….

BassPlayers

That’s me (ca. 1984) and Mike. You see, we share the common bond of the bass. That’s the only connection I need.

So if you are a bass player or a guitar player, or play any instrument at all, you, too, can get behind Mike Huckabee this primary season. Maybe you like Chuck Norris movies…that’s a good reason, too.

And if you liked what a saxophone player from Hope, Arkansas did for America, just imagine what a Bass player from Hope could do!

Vote Mike!

Comments

  1. 2

    proud leftist spews:

    Darryl
    I envy the comfort and inner peace you have found as a Republican. Doubt has always plagued me. Is there a 12-step program that might help me overcome my Democratic tendencies? I’ll jump in and surely find my wings as I’m falling.

  2. 4

    My Left Foot spews:

    Musical instruments? Hmmmmmmm, does the skin flute count? I want to be a Republican and need to know if that can get me in.

  3. 5

    spews:

    Alright Darryl my good buddy. This post had me chuckling. Bravo on a good bit of political parody.

    The picture comparison is simply too precious. The dueling bass player bit seems the making of a pretty damn good reality show/sitcom.

  4. 7

    The Blatantly Obvious spews:

    Great job, Darryl!

    What bands did you play in? Any I would have heard of?

    Pick or finger-thumb plucker?

  5. 9

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    Don’t worry, Darryl. The Huck isn’t going to be president even if your fellow Republicans are stupid enough to nominate him. The TV ads featuring a dead dog swinging from a tree limb and that little Clinton girl holding up photos of the two women murdered by the guy Huckabee sprung for jail will make sure of that.

  6. 10

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    Unlike Republicans, we don’t have to use smears. It’ll be sufficient to simply tell the truth about this guy.

  7. 11

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    @5 Ward, I’m glad you have a sense of humor, even though none of the rest of your intellectual equipment is in working order.

  8. 12

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    @8 Hmmm, interesting. Not exactly an occasion for joyous GOP dancing in the streets, as it’s essentially meaningless. However, I think big changes for Cuba are in store not very far down the pike. Within 5 or 10 years, Castro and his brother both will be gone, and I think it’s likely the effect of their departure will be similar to Franco’s death in Spain. Cuba will transition to a democracy and make a rather fast re-entry into the modern global economy. That will be good for the Cuban people, at least until the HMOs show up, and we’ll be able to get real Cuban cigars again.

  9. 13

    Winghunter spews:

    That’s a ton of drool for only one post Daryl.

    The Huckster is a con artist who wrapped himself in a religious cloak to pander pipedreams for votes BUT, that doesn’t mean you’ve got the first clue as to what you’re talking about either…on every subject and issue you didn’t pretend to cover.

    It was obvious you didn’t list the issues you allegedly agree with the snake-oil salesman but, I can tell from what you didn’t to know there’s no reason to point out the right way to a blind man.

    You keep ranting real hard and you may never have to grow up and deal with reality like so many other parasites.

    Good luck, you’ll need it.

  10. 15

    ByeByeGOP spews:

    The problem for the right wing idiots is that half of their base is made up of inbred religious nuts – this will fracture what’s left of the party and come election time – Dems win by a landslide. All will be great in America again.

  11. 17

    Lynne spews:

    One of your best. You could also vote for him because he probably took Social Studies in Junior High, that seems to be the new rational

  12. 19

    rhp6033 spews:

    Why is it, when looking at the pictures of the two of you playing bass, the them music from “Deliverance” comes to mind?

  13. 20

    Tlazolteotl spews:

    @19 I don’t know, it makes me think of Smoke on the Water.

    But I see that Darryl now has it figured out, and is thinking just like a majority of self-identified Republicans do. Forget logic, it’s about tribal identity. On the other hand, just because I once played a mean guitar does not mean I would consider voting for Ted Nugent for one second. Sorry, dude.

  14. 22

    spews:

    The Blatantly Obvious @ 7

    “Any I would have heard of?”

    Not unless you lived in Madison, WI in the early- to mid-80s and hung out in dive bars.

    “Pick or finger-thumb plucker?”

    Finger-thumb, almost always.

  15. 24

    Jack Flanders spews:

    Look, the GOP desperately needs to ditch/split from the religious wing. This never used to be part of their platform. I’m a Midwest conservative Democrat. Sure, I’m gay, but I’m also a pro-2nd Amendment gun owner and fiscally conservative. But I’ll never ever vote Republican until they get off this bullshit religious quest. I’ll take the Democrats slightly higher taxes over voting for a religious nut like Huckabee/Bush/etc. If the Republicans would go back to just being ‘main street’ small business Republicans, they may get my vote someday (depending on the candidate). But as long as they try to “out Jesus” the Democrats, I’ll be voting Democrat.

  16. 25

    spews:

    @13: You keep ranting real hard and you may never have to grow up and deal with reality like so many other parasites.
    And we’re to think you’re “dealing with reality” and you “know the right way” based on what— your comments? And “I can tell” from your comments that your arrogance regularly outruns your logic. But the fact that you can reduce human beings to “parasites” speaks volumes about what you truly don’t know. Better start thinking about your own mortality, bro.

  17. 26

    spews:

    Darryl,

    On one issue (?) we disagree ..

    Huckabee is correct about the ten commandments.

    1. Isn’t it clear that these are historic writings that have deeply influenced our Judeo-Islmamo-Christtian culture?
    It is unimaginable that any of our forebears (reintroduction of non sexist term!) would not have learned of the ten commandments and consider them central to our rule of law ..unless we include Massasoit, Ch. Seattle and Sitting bull as a forbears.

    2. The format of the ten commndments should, however, be authentic. They MUST be put up in a historically n authentic Hebrew.
    As a compromise, we can use modern Hebrew typography since there is no existing copy in the Canaanite script.
    No vowels will be alloed. If the Deity had wanted to reveal the ten commandments in English, our Lord would have appeared 2000 or so years later when folks understood that language.

    3. BOTH versions of the commandments should be listed .. there are two different versions in the Torah y’ know!

    4. If translations are offered they must be offered into all languages of instruction used at the school and must be accurate to the original Ivrit.

    5. Translations must make it clear that the first commandment is written only to the Jews .. “I am Thy (the Jews’s) God “…. The adaptation to all citizens (of Rome) by Constantine in the 300s should be explained in class.

    6. Since the Deity also issues an additional 593 commandments for Jews only, and since the early Americans on New England took those commandments very seriously, these should be made available as well.

    OK?

  18. 27

    rhp6033 spews:

    I agree that the Republicans and the religious fundamentalists should separate from one another.

    It’s too embarrasing for the religious fundamentalists to keep associating with the Republicans, in light of their sex scandals. Also, fact the Republicans have never have really done anything for the fundamentalists in the first place.

  19. 28

    ArtFart spews:

    26 Your last observation is the crux (in a matter of speaking) of the issue, Stephen. Except for the first, the Ten Commandments are more or less OK…a set of basic principles for an orderly society descended from the Code of Hammurabi or most likely something even earlier that’s been lost to posterity. But for many dominionists that’s only the beginning. They’re all ready to impose the entire book of Leviticus on each and every living soul on the planet.

    The first irony of this is it’s every bit as absurd as what the Islamic fundies are trying to do. The second is that it flies in the face of Jesus’ declaration that all the “old” laws were to be replaced by two: Love God and love your neighbor.

    Why the hell do we insist on complicating everything?

  20. 29

    The Blatantly Obvious spews:

    @ 28 “flies in the face of Jesus’ declaration that all the “old” laws were to be replaced by two: Love God and love your neighbor.”

    Careful, AF, you may soon be getting a fire and brimstone diatribe from Buddypud. Buddypud does not accept that Jesus in anyway deflected from the Old Testament.

    And Buddypud is willing to shoot Jesus dead to prove it!

  21. 31

    Little Lord Fauntleroy spews:

    Jesus dying on the cross to save us all from sin is, if you accept Him as God in human form, just a parlor trick.

    He’s God, for Christ’s sake: You can’t kill him….

  22. 33

    spews:

    In the spirit of Tom Jefferson’s effort to revise the Bible and in tribute to Darryl’s new found affinity for fundamentalism, as SJ I have vetted the Ten Commandments and come up with Five Commanments that are acceptable in American Classrooms. Rejoice!

    Original 10:

    1. Belief in G-d This category is derived from the declaration in Ex. 20:2 beginning, “I am the L-rd, your G-d…”This is awfully complex for this society. It is very clear that this DOES not say anything at all to the goyem (y’all). There is no implication here that anyone except the Jews should follow the LAW. WADR to the Jesus crew, the Torah is revelation ..said to be a direct citation by the Deity and therefore no one can override it.

    So in classes across the New Christian US, we COULD have a tablet that said”

    “The Jews are supposed to ONLY worship the Deity with no name. Others can do whatever they want.” Since this would not be acceptable to the Jews, the first commandment must go.

    2. Prohibition of Improper Worship This category is derived from Ex. 20:3-6, beginning, “You shall not have other gods…” It encompasses within it the prohibition against the worship of other gods as well as the prohibition of improper forms of worship of the one true G-d, such as worshiping G-d through an idol.
    With no DOUBT this prohibits the Trinity, icons and statues. MUST GO

    3. Prohibition of Oaths This category is derived from Ex. 20:7, beginning, “You shall not take the name of the L-rd your G-d in vain…” This includes prohibitions against perjury, breaking or delaying the performance of vows or promises, and speaking G-d’s name or swearing unnecessarily. Note the prohibitions of SPEAKING the name of the Deity. Thus, 5th day adventists, those who claim to worship in the name of Jesus, etc are BREAKING the LAW. This discriminates, MUST GO.”

    BTW, If Yashka had really called on the Diety by his name the punishment of that time was stoning to death for blasphemy! A pile of stones does not make as neat a symbol as a cross!”

    4. Observance of Sacred Times This category is derived from Ex. 20:8-11, beginning, “Remember the Sabbath day…” It encompasses all mitzvot related to Shabbat, holidays, or other sacred time.Last time I looked there is no mention in the C. Bible of Jesus saying .. lets move shabbat to Sunday! Given the strict codes of his time, with no doubt any record of Yashka bending nails on Saturday would have come down to us!? STORES DO NOT WANT SATURDAY BLUE LAWS, MUST GO

    5. Respect for Parents and Teachers This category is derived from Ex. 20:12, beginning, “Honor your father and mother…”this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    6. Prohibition of Physically Harming a Person This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not murder.”this one passes the test .. a keeper! 7. Prohibition of Sexual Immorality This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not commit adultery.”this one passes the test .. a keeper! 8. Prohibition of Theft This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not steal.” It includes within it both outright robbery as well as various forms of theft by deception and unethical business practices. It also includes kidnapping, which is essentially “stealing” a person.this one passes the test .. a keeper! 9. Prohibition of Harming a Person through Speech This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” It includes all forms of lashon ha-ra (sins relating to speech).this one passes the test .. a keeper! 10. Prohibition of Coveting This category is derived from Ex. 20:14, beginning, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house…”Sorry, this one rules out capitalism. MUST GO!Revised Qunitet of Eternal Laws:

    Once there were ten commandments, these were such a great influence on our society that five survive till today.

    5. Respect for Parents and Teachers This category is derived from Ex. 20:12, beginning, “Honor your father and mother…”

    6. Prohibition of Physically Harming a Person This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not murder.”
    7. Prohibition of Sexual Immorality This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not commit adultery.”
    8. Prohibition of Theft This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not steal.” It includes within it both outright robbery as well as various forms of theft by deception and unethical business practices. It also includes kidnapping, which is essentially “stealing” a person. 9. Prohibition of Harming a Person through Speech This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” It includes all forms of lashon ha-ra (sins relating to speech).

  23. 34

    spews:

    Hmm .. the formatting may have blocked my last post .. tyry again:

    The Five Commandments

    In the spirit of Tom Jefferson’s effort to revise the Bible and in tribute to Darryl’s new found affinity for fundamentalism, as SJ I have vetted the Ten Commandments and come up with Five Commanments that are acceptable in American Classrooms. Rejoice!

    Original 10:

    1. Belief in G-d
    This category is derived from the declaration in Ex. 20:2 beginning, “I am the L-rd, your G-d…”

    This is awfully complex for this society. It is very clear that this DOES not say anything at all to the goyem (y’all). There is no implication here that anyone except the Jews should follow the LAW. WADR to the Jesus crew, the Torah is revelation ..said to be a direct citation by the Deity and therefore no one can override it.

    So in classes across the New Christian US, we COULD have a tablet that said”

    “The Jews are supposed to ONLY worship the Deity with no name. Others can do whatever they want.” Since this would not be acceptable to the Jews, the first commandment must go.

    2. Prohibition of Improper Worship
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:3-6, beginning, “You shall not have other gods…” It encompasses within it the prohibition against the worship of other gods as well as the prohibition of improper forms of worship of the one true G-d, such as worshiping G-d through an idol.

    With no DOUBT this prohibits the Trinity, icons and statues. MUST GO

    3. Prohibition of Oaths
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:7, beginning, “You shall not take the name of the L-rd your G-d in vain…” This includes prohibitions against perjury, breaking or delaying the performance of vows or promises, and speaking G-d’s name or swearing unnecessarily.

    Note the prohibitions of SPEAKING the name of the Deity. Thus, 5th day adventists, those who claim to worship in the name of Jesus, etc are BREAKING the LAW. This discriminates, MUST GO.”

    BTW, If Yashka had really called on the Diety by his name the punishment of that time was stoning to death for blasphemy! A pile of stones does not make as neat a symbol as a cross!”

    4. Observance of Sacred Times
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:8-11, beginning, “Remember the Sabbath day…” It encompasses all mitzvot related to Shabbat, holidays, or other sacred time.

    Last time I looked there is no mention in the C. Bible of Jesus saying .. lets move shabbat to Sunday! Given the strict codes of his time, with no doubt any record of Yashka bending nails on Saturday would have come down to us!? STORES DO NOT WANT SATURDAY BLUE LAWS, MUST GO

    5. Respect for Parents and Teachers
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:12, beginning, “Honor your father and mother…”

    this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    6. Prohibition of Physically Harming a Person
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not murder.”

    this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    7. Prohibition of Sexual Immorality
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not commit adultery.”

    this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    8. Prohibition of Theft
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not steal.” It includes within it both outright robbery as well as various forms of theft by deception and unethical business practices. It also includes kidnapping, which is essentially “stealing” a person.

    this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    9. Prohibition of Harming a Person through Speech
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” It includes all forms of lashon ha-ra (sins relating to speech).

    this one passes the test .. a keeper!

    10. Prohibition of Coveting
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:14, beginning, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house…”
    Sorry, this one rules out capitalism. MUST GO!

    Revised Quintet of Eternal Laws:

    Once there were ten commandments, these were such a great influence on our society that five survive till today.

    5. Respect for Parents and Teachers
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:12, beginning, “Honor your father and mother…”

    6. Prohibition of Physically Harming a Person
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not murder.”

    7. Prohibition of Sexual Immorality
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not commit adultery.”

    8. Prohibition of Theft
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not steal.” It includes within it both outright robbery as well as various forms of theft by deception and unethical business practices. It also includes kidnapping, which is essentially “stealing” a person.

    9. Prohibition of Harming a Person through Speech
    This category is derived from Ex. 20:13, saying, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.” It includes all forms of lashon ha-ra (sins relating to speech).

  24. 35

    spews:

    SeattleJew @ 33,
    “…in tribute to Darryl’s new found affinity for fundamentalism…”

    Fundamentalism????? I became a REPUBLICAN, not a fundamentalist!

  25. 36

    The Blatantly Obvious spews:

    @ 33 I would suggest throwing out # 5. While usually a good idea, it may be a mistake to legislate honoring crappy parents. Or Teachers for that matter.

    # 7, excepting for legal fiduciary entanglements (legal contract), would also qualify as legislating morality.

  26. 37

    spews:

    @35 Darryl

    As a Republican you need to learn some new rules. One of these is the rule that one must accept the existence of G-d, the salvation through Jeezus, the reality of intelligent design. the superiority of Merica, the heroic Presidency of Ronald Reagan as conquerer and liberator of the people oppressed by socialism, yjr ability of tax cuts to generate unlimitted enthalpy, the ability of the free market to prevent global warming, etc.

    We welcome you to our closet and would be happy, if you have the need, to recommend a wonderful church in your area.

  27. 38

    zdp189 spews:

    Thanks so much for posting about how you guys lie & cheat your way through the primary. It’s one of few reasons I can find to vote for my near-worthless rep Dave Reichert. I have to keep your sis Darcy out. It seems her peeps lie & cheat, not just in the normal political fashion, but blatantly, openly, and proudly. Why would I want someone with supporters like that wielding power in D.C? I’m sure Dave sends along his thanks too.

  28. 40

    ArtFart spews:

    39 “These five commandments are not meant to be kept. merely memorized.”

    And of course, imposed on other people.