Every Joo
Down in Joo-ville
Liked Chanukah as such…
But the Kvetch,
Who lived just north of Joo-ville,
… not so much.
The Kvetch hated Chanukah, the whole Chanukah season.
Now don’t ask me why. What? Should I know the reason?
It could be he wasn’t a mensch, that is all.
Or his petzel, perhaps, was two sizes too small.
Such meshug’as comes from one thing or another,
But like most Joo-ish boys, we should just blame his mother!
But,
The reason, whatever,
His mom or his putz,
The Kvetch hated Chanukah. Oy, what a yutz!
For he knew every Joo down in Joo-ville tonight
Was busy preparing menorahs to light.
“And they’re giving out gelt!” he sighed as he said
“I need waxy chocolate like holes in my head!”
Then he nervously whined as his fingers tapped horas,
“I MUST stop the Joos from igniting menorahs!”
For,
The Kvetch knew that soon…
… All the Joo girls and boys
Would say the baruch’ha, then unwrap their toys!
And then! Oh, the oys! Oh, the Oys! Oys! Oys! Oys!
If it’s not what they wanted, the OYS! OYS! OYS! OYS!
Then the Joos, young and old, would sit down for a nosh.
And they’d nosh! And they’d nosh!
And they’d NOSH! NOSH! NOSH! NOSH!
They would nosh on Joo-latkes, and Gefilte-Joo-Fish,
Which was surely the Kvetch’s least favorite dish!
And THEN
They’d do something
Which made the Kvetch plotz!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, Bar Mitzvahed or not,
Would sit down together, their proud ponim’s grinning.
Then dreidels in hand, all the Joos would start spinning!
They’d spin! And they’d spin!
AND they’d SPIN! SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!
And the more the Kvetch thought of this Joo-Dreidel-Spin,
The more the Kvetch thought, “I can’t let this begin!
“Oy, for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
“Chanukah, Schmanukah! Stop it!
… But HOW?”
Then he got an idea!
And the moment he had,
He said
“I’m no Einstein, but this… not half bad!”
“I know just what to do!” Then he donned an old sheet,
And dug up some sandals to wear on his feet.
“I’m the Prophet Elijiah! They’ve set me a plate!”
(For the Kvetch couldn’t keep Joo-ish holidays straight.)
“The Joos ‘ll oblige ol’ Elijiah, no doubt!
“I will simply walk in. Then I’ll clean the place out!”
“All I need is a camel…”
He looked far and near,
But this wasn’t the desert, and camels are dear.
Did that stop the old Kvetch…?
That pischer? No, never:
“If I can’t find a camel,” the Kvetch said, “…whatever.”
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took an old sack
And he tied a hump onto the front of his back.
THEN
He climbed on this
dog-dromedaryish mammal.
You never have seen
Such a schmuck on a camel.
Then the Kvetch cried “Oy vey!”
As old Max started down
Toward the homes, while the Joos
Where still schmoozing in town.
All their driveways were empty. Just SUV tracks.
All the Joos were out last-minute-shopping at Saks,
As he rode to a not-so-small house on old Max.
“It’s a good thing I brought” the old Prophet Kvetch thought,
“All these bags with to stuff all the stuff the Joos bought.”
Then he looked at the chimney. It seemed quite a stretch
That a fat goy like Santa could fit, thought the Kvetch,
“Still, the goyim believe stranger things, that’s for sure.”
Then the Kvetch shrugged his shoulders, and walked through the door
Where the little Joo dreidels were all strewn about.
“These dreidels,” he grinned, “are the first to go out!”
And he schvitzed, as he shlepped, with an odor unpleasant,
Around the whole house, as he took every present!
Barbie dolls! Mountain bikes! Brios! And blocks!
Pokemon! GameBoys! And all of that shlock!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then his arms spread akimbo,
He shlepped all the bags, one by one, out the wimbo!
Then he shlepped to the kitchen. He took every dish.
He took the Joo-latkes. The Gefilte-Joo-Fish.
He cleaned out the Sub-Zero so nimbly and neat,
Careful to separate dairy from meat.
Then he shlepped the Joo-nosh right out the front door-a.
“And NOW!” kvelled the Kvetch, “I will shlep the menorah!”
And he grabbed the menorah, and started to shlep on,
When he heard a whine, like a cat being stepped on.
He spun ‘round with shpilkes, and coming his way,
It was Ruth Levy-Joo, who was two, if a day.
The Kvetch had been caught by this small shaina maidel,
Who’d been watching TV on her big RCA’dle.
“The Prophet Elijiah?” she quizzed the old fool,
“You visit on Pesach, they taught us in shul.”
And although the old Kvetch was surprised and confused,
It’s not hard to lie to a girl in her twos.
“Bubbeleh… sweatheart…” he started his tale,
“Your dad paid full price, when this all was on sale!
“And like any good merchant, I just want to please ya.
“I’ll ring it up right, then I’ll refund your VISA.”
Then he patted her tush. Put a Barney tape in.
And she spaced-out as fast as the spindle could spin.
And as Ruth Levy-Joo watched her mauve dinosaura,
HE went to the door and shlepped out the menorah!
Then the match for the shamas
Was last to be filched!
Then he shlepped himself out to continue his pillage.
On the walls he left nothing at all. Bubkes. Zilch.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a matzoh ball even too dense for a mouse.
Then
He did the same schtick
In the other Joo’s houses.
Leaving knaidlach
Too dense
For the other Joo’s mouses!
It was quarter to dusk…
All the Joos, still at Saks,
All the Joos, still a-shmooze
When he packed up old Max,
Packed him up with their presents! The gelt and the dreidels!
The chotchkes and latkes! The knish and the knaidels!
He hauled it all up to his condo in haste!
(A Grinch might have dumped it, but why go to waste?)
“Shtup you!” to the Joos, the Kvetch loudly cheered,
“They’re finding out Chanukah’s cancelled this year!
“They’re just coming home! I know just what they’ll say!
“They’ll ask their homeowners insurance to pay,
“Then the Joos down in Joo-ville will all cry OY VEY!”
“All those Oys,” kvelled the Kvetch,
“Now THIS I must hear!”
So he paused. And the Kvetch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from the shtetl.
It started to grow. Then the Kvetch grew unsettled…
Why the sound wasn’t sad,
It was more like the noise
Of a UPS trucker
Delivering toys!
He stared down at Joo-ville!
And then the Kvetch shook,
As truck after truck
Replaced all that he took!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, the Golds and the Steins,
Re-ordered their presents by going online!
Chanukah HADN’T been cancelled!
IT CAME!
…On UPS trucks… but it came just the same!
Then the Kvetch, staring down at the gifts where they sat,
Stood kvitching and kvetching: “For this, I did that?
“It came without traffic! It came without tax!
“It came without shopping at Bloomie’s or Saks!”
And he kvetched on and on, til he started to shvitz,
Then the Kvetch thought of something which might make him rich!
“Maybe stores,” thought the Kvetch, “don’t need mortar and bricks.
“Maybe toys can be bought with a few well-placed clicks!”
And what happened then…?
Well… in Joo-ville they say
That the Kvetch raised
Ten million in venture that day!
And the minute his web site was ready to go,
He raised ten billion more on his new IPO!
He sold back the toys to the homes they came from!
And he…
… he the Kvetch…!
Founded YA-JOO.COM!
©2000 by David Goldstein
All rights reserved
[With apologies to the late, great Dr. Seuss — but not to the greedy, litigious bastards at Dr. Seuss Enterprises, LLC. So there. Happy Christmukah.]
This was hilarious. Mazel tov!
Brilliant! Why haven’t I seen this before now?
Every year you post this, every year (OK for two years now) I send it around in a link.
Very good David.
Mazel tov!!
As Mott the Hoopel once said: “All the young Jews carry the news…”
Folks I though you would like to read something from a different point of view. The twenty nine years that I have been in the military this depicts what life is like for a soldier today. I volunteered many a time so some married troop could be home for the Holidays. The hardest part is for the family to be home alone without their love ones. For me the time spent serving my country is the greatest honor one can receive. God Bless and have a Happy New Year.
T’WAS the night before Christmas
T’WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS HE LIVED ALL ALONE
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE
AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I’D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN’T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
SANTA DON’T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON’T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP.
I COULDN’T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.
I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
AND THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, CARRIES ON SANTA, its CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT
ME RRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
This poem was written by a Marine. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable….
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
GOD BLESSES AMERICA AND OUR U.S. SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN!!
THANK YOU!!.
I think we’ve just been re-gifted. twice.
Klake
I recognize that your feelings are heartfelt. I also honor you for your service to this nation. I, however, have real trouble with attributing my freedom to the military. My freedom comes from my God, who does not glorify the military. Quite the opposite. My freedom is not dependent on battles fought in distant lands, but dependent on my own power to think, to critique, and to dissent. My freedom is the product of my own conscience. The military is, at best, a necessary evil, not the ultimate source and protector of freedom. God does not just bless America. Indeed, I find that sentiment remarkably offensive. With all due respect, I cannot share in your sentiment, even if I do share in the empathy you express for the individual soldier.
5 That’s so full of sentimentality you can eat it with a fork.
5 Yep, a tearjerker, that one — also pure fiction … like everything else emanating from the wingnut noise machine.
We liberals appreciate our troops, asshole! Enough to object to throwing their lives away for nothing. Too bad the people who pay the most lip service to “supporting the troops” actually support them the least … I gave $99 to http://www.operation-helmet.org/ 6 months ago. You?
On Election Day, while working at the polls, I met an elderly gentleman who lives in the neighborhood. He walks with a stoop now, and his wife helped him to the voting booth. He flew P-51 Mustangs (and just about everything else that had wings) in The Big One. Believe me, he’s got stories to tell.
I see big pickup trucks with USMC decals, driven by middle-aged guys who are obviously well fed, and showing a little gray now. They live in big houses, and have big families. As far as I know, they don’t keep a pair of combat boots in the hallway — like the rest of us, they’ve moved on.
Roger Rabbit says:
On Election Day, while working at the polls, I met an elderly gentleman who lives in the neighborhood. He walks with a stoop now, and his wife helped him to the voting booth. He flew P-51 Mustangs (and just about everything else that had wings) in The Big One. Believe me, he’s got stories to tell.
Roger you have a few to tell also, why don’t you enlighten us about your war stories?
That particular wingnut literary effort has been circulating for 10 years now, and I’ve seen it, oh, at least 100 times.
I’d like to remind everyone that George W. Bush got his start as a sociopath by blowing up frogs with firecrackers. http://tinyurl.com/4qsz4
Woman beaten on Jerusalem bus for refusing to move to rear seat
By Daphna Berman
A woman who reported a vicious attack by an ad-hoc “modesty patrol” on a Jerusalem bus last month is now lining up support for her case and may be included in a petition to the High Court of Justice over the legality of sex-segregated buses.
Miriam Shear says she was traveling to pray at the Western Wall in Jerusalem’s Old City early on November 24 when a group of ultra-Orthodox (Haredi) men attacked her for refusing to move to the back of the Egged No. 2 bus. She is now in touch with several legal advocacy and women’s organizations, and at the same time, waiting for the police to apprehend her attackers.
In her first interview since the incident, Shear says that on the bus three weeks ago, she was slapped, kicked, punched and pushed by a group of men who demanded that she sit in the back of the bus with the other women. The bus driver, in response to a media inquiry, denied that violence was used against her, but Shear’s account has been substantiated by an unrelated eyewitness on the bus who confirmed that she sustained an unprovoked “severe beating.”
http://haaretz.com/hasen/pages.....trassID=19
The Chabad Lubavitch movement, which Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky is a leader of, is one of the Haredi (i.e. ultra-Orthodox) Jewish sects. The same type of religious extremists who believe that women should ride in the back of public buses.
KLAKE – YOU’RE SUCH A LOSER. ARE WE “WINNING” IN IRAQ? IS THE INSURGENCY “IN ITS LAST THROES”? IS VICTORY “JUST AROUND THE CORNER”? WILL 30,000 MORE TROOPS “FINISH THE JOB”?
OR IS DUBYA’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE IN IRAQ THE GREATEST FRAUD EVER PERPETRATED AGAINST THE PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY?
KLAKE, YOU AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE BIGGEST “YES MEN” BUSH AND HIS ILK COULD EVER HOPE FOR.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
Proud Leftist I really understand your point of view in this dangerous world, but in history your approach has proven to be very disastrous to mankind. There has never been in history were a nation has been successful in defending its country by building fortress to live behind. Fighting in distant lands can keep the conflicts in the enemies own territories, and not our own backyards. Today your freedom could be a figment of your imagination and really a slave of your own fears. You are right about one thing God does not just bless America, but other nations and people held in bondage of fear of their task makers. Now as for you assessment that what I say remarkably offensive, remember what you say and do is also offensive to folks like Osama bin Laden. Like you he does not share in your sentiment and prefers to dispose of you and your country. Answer one little question how does the bumper sticker Free Tibet been successful in freeing that country? Maybe you should check out the link below and tell me how your point of view save lives in 1930’s.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....38;search=
KLAKE – OH ARE YOU SO SCARED OF OSAMA BIN LADEN? THEN WHY HASN’T YOUR DEAR LEADER FOUND HIM AFTER 5 YEARS?
COULD IT BE YOUR DEAR LEADER DOESN’T EVEN “THINK ABOUT HIM”?
YOU SURE “THINK ABOUT HIM” KLAKE. A LOT. YOU’RE JUST QUAKIN’ IN YOUR BOOTS ABOUT OBL. JUST NOD YES WHEN YOUR DEAR LEADER ASKS FOR MORE BILLIONS FOR IRAQ AND WANTS TO SEND MORE SOLDIERS TO DIE OVER THERE.
Watch out, Goldy. Those Seuss Enterprises copyright cops are everywhere.
Rabbits and French People Beware!
Iraqi soldiers eat frogs, rabbit at handover ceremony
http://today.reuters.com/news/.....038;rpc=22
It never fails. Put out a little joy and cheer, and some rightwing asshole farts at the party.
Mr. Goldstein, I salute you! I will now go and look up every yiddish word! I will be sending out some links too, it was great.
Go Goldy!!!!
“There once was a flakey named klake
He thought the iraq war was jake!
He followed a liar WAAAAAY into the mire
Fr
Hope Happy Holidays, dumbshit.Santa brings you some brains for Christmas.
“There once was a flakey named klake.
He thought the Iraq War was JAKE!
He followed the Liar WAAAAY into a mire
from which they will NEVER escape!”
Nice work dumbass. Hope Santa brings you some brains for Christmas.
Shit.
Now I’ve GOT to learn html.
Dear Goldy,
If you intended to offend me, using “Putz” as pejorative (His mom or his putz/The Kvetch hated Chanukah. Oy, what a yutz!), or naming a dog “Max” (So he called his dog, “Max”), you’ve succeeded.
Best regards,
Max
Having friends of many faiths and while growing up as Christians, we listened to “Funny You Don’t Look Jewish” album and other similar albums. It is great you are carring on the traditions of Jewish Humor. All religions should be able to sit back and laugh.
Happy Holidays
Jerry and Shelia