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Daily Show holiday gift guide.

“Skeptic on a Stick” holiday toy commercial

Adam Ruins Everything: The drunken, pagan history of Christmas:

Conan: The Toilet Santa.

You’re Wrong with Mike Lawrence: The best and worst of Christmas

Seth Meyers: Walking in a Winter Punderland

Liam Neeson Auditions For Mall Santa Claus:

Drumpf in Twitter war with Santa

PsychoSuperMom: Don’t they know (not everyone does Christmas)?

Obama’s Holiday message

Young Turks: How to trigger a war on Christmas.

Woke Christmas Carols

Late night Crew Poetry: My Christmas wish, New Year’s groove

Jeremiah 10:2-5
Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.

For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

They are upright as the palm tree, but speak not: they must needs be borne, because they cannot go. Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good.

Discuss.

Every Joo
Down in Joo-ville
Liked Chanukah as such…

But the Kvetch,
Who lived just north of Joo-ville,
… not so much.

The Kvetch hated Chanukah, the whole Chanukah season.
Now don’t ask me why. What? Should I know the reason?
It could be he wasn’t a mensch, that is all.
Or his petzel, perhaps, was two sizes too small.
Such meshug’as comes from one thing or another,
But like most Joo-ish boys, we should just blame his mother!

But,
The reason, whatever,
His mom or his putz,
The Kvetch hated Chanukah. Oy, what a yutz!
For he knew every Joo down in Joo-ville tonight
Was busy preparing menorahs to light.

“And they’re giving out gelt!” he sighed as he said
“I need waxy chocolate like holes in my head!”
Then he nervously whined as his fingers tapped horas,
“I MUST stop the Joos from igniting menorahs!”

For,
The Kvetch knew that soon…

… All the Joo girls and boys
Would say the baruch’ha, then unwrap their toys!
And then! Oh, the oys! Oh, the Oys! Oys! Oys! Oys!
If it’s not what they wanted, the OYS! OYS! OYS! OYS!

Then the Joos, young and old, would sit down for a nosh.
And they’d nosh! And they’d nosh!
And they’d NOSH! NOSH! NOSH! NOSH!
They would nosh on Joo-latkes, and Gefilte-Joo-Fish,
Which was surely the Kvetch’s least favorite dish!

And THEN
They’d do something
Which made the Kvetch plotz!
Every Joo down in Joo-ville, Bar Mitzvahed or not,
Would sit down together, their proud ponim’s grinning.
Then dreidels in hand, all the Joos would start spinning!

They’d spin! And they’d spin!
AND they’d SPIN! SPIN! SPIN! SPIN!
And the more the Kvetch thought of this Joo-Dreidel-Spin,
The more the Kvetch thought, “I can’t let this begin!
“Oy, for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
“Chanukah, Schmanukah! Stop it!
… But HOW?”

Then he got an idea!
And the moment he had,
He said
“I’m no Einstein, but this… not half bad!”

“I know just what to do!” Then he donned an old sheet,
And dug up some sandals to wear on his feet.
“I’m the Prophet Elijiah! They’ve set me a plate!”
(For the Kvetch couldn’t keep Joo-ish holidays straight.)
“The Joos ‘ll oblige ol’ Elijiah, no doubt!
“I will simply walk in. Then I’ll clean the place out!”

“All I need is a camel…”
He looked far and near,
But this wasn’t the desert, and camels are dear.
Did that stop the old Kvetch…?
That pischer? No, never:
“If I can’t find a camel,” the Kvetch said, “…whatever.”
So he called his dog, Max. Then he took an old sack
And he tied a hump onto the front of his back.

THEN
He climbed on this
dog-dromedaryish mammal.
You never have seen
Such a schmuck on a camel.

Then the Kvetch cried “Oy vey!”
As old Max started down
Toward the homes, while the Joos
Where still schmoozing in town.

All their driveways were empty. Just SUV tracks.
All the Joos were out last-minute-shopping at Saks,
As he rode to a not-so-small house on old Max.
“It’s a good thing I brought” the old Prophet Kvetch thought,
“All these bags with to stuff all the stuff the Joos bought.”

Then he looked at the chimney. It seemed quite a stretch
That a fat goy like Santa could fit, thought the Kvetch,
“Still, the goyim believe stranger things, that’s for sure.”
Then the Kvetch shrugged his shoulders, and walked through the door
Where the little Joo dreidels were all strewn about.
“These dreidels,” he grinned, “are the first to go out!”

And he schvitzed, as he shlepped, with an odor unpleasant,
Around the whole house, as he took every present!
Barbie dolls! Mountain bikes! Brios! And blocks!
Pokemon! GameBoys! And all of that shlock!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then his arms spread akimbo,
He shlepped all the bags, one by one, out the wimbo!

Then he shlepped to the kitchen. He took every dish.
He took the Joo-latkes. The Gefilte-Joo-Fish.
He cleaned out the Sub-Zero so nimbly and neat,
Careful to separate dairy from meat.
Then he shlepped the Joo-nosh right out the front door-a.
“And NOW!” kvelled the Kvetch, “I will shlep the menorah!”

And he grabbed the menorah, and started to shlep on,
When he heard a whine, like a cat being stepped on.
He spun ‘round with shpilkes, and coming his way,
It was Ruth Levy-Joo, who was two, if a day.

The Kvetch had been caught by this small shaina maidel,
Who’d been watching TV on her big RCA’dle.
“The Prophet Elijiah?” she quizzed the old fool,
“You visit on Pesach, they taught us in shul.”

And although the old Kvetch was surprised and confused,
It’s not hard to lie to a girl in her twos.
“Bubbeleh… sweatheart…” he started his tale,
“Your dad paid full price, when this all was on sale!
“And like any good merchant, I just want to please ya.
“I’ll ring it up right, then I’ll refund your VISA.”

Then he patted her tush. Put a Barney tape in.
And she spaced-out as fast as the spindle could spin.
And as Ruth Levy-Joo watched her mauve dinosaura,
HE went to the door and shlepped out the menorah!

Then the match for the shamas
Was last to be filched!
Then he shlepped himself out to continue his pillage.
On the walls he left nothing at all. Bubkes. Zilch.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a matzoh ball even too dense for a mouse.

Then
He did the same schtick
In the other Joo’s houses.

Leaving knaidlach
Too dense
For the other Joo’s mouses!

It was quarter to dusk…
All the Joos, still at Saks,
All the Joos, still a-shmooze
When he packed up old Max,
Packed him up with their presents! The gelt and the dreidels!
The chotchkes and latkes! The knish and the knaidels!

He hauled it all up to his condo in haste!
(A Grinch might have dumped it, but why go to waste?)
“Shtup you!” to the Joos, the Kvetch loudly cheered,
“They’re finding out Chanukah’s cancelled this year!
“They’re just coming home! I know just what they’ll say!
“They’ll ask their homeowners insurance to pay,
“Then the Joos down in Joo-ville will all cry OY VEY!”

“All those Oys,” kvelled the Kvetch,
“Now THIS I must hear!”
So he paused. And the Kvetch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from the shtetl.
It started to grow. Then the Kvetch grew unsettled…

Why the sound wasn’t sad,
It was more like the noise
Of a UPS trucker
Delivering toys!

He stared down at Joo-ville!
And then the Kvetch shook,
As truck after truck
Replaced all that he took!

Every Joo down in Joo-ville, the Golds and the Steins,
Re-ordered their presents by going online!

Chanukah HADN’T been cancelled!
IT CAME!
…On UPS trucks… but it came just the same!

Then the Kvetch, staring down at the gifts where they sat,
Stood kvitching and kvetching: “For this, I did that?
“It came without traffic! It came without tax!
“It came without shopping at Bloomie’s or Saks!”
And he kvetched on and on, til he started to shvitz,
Then the Kvetch thought of something which might make him rich!
“Maybe stores,” thought the Kvetch, “don’t need mortar and bricks.
“Maybe toys can be bought with a few well-placed clicks!”

And what happened then…?
Well… in Joo-ville they say
That the Kvetch raised
Ten million in venture that day!
And the minute his web site was ready to go,
He raised ten billion more on his new IPO!
He sold back the toys to the homes they came from!
And he…

… he the Kvetch…!
Founded YA-JOO.COM!

©2000 by David Goldstein
All rights reserved

[An HA holiday tradition (and with perfect timing what with the first night of Chanukah and Christmas Eve lining up this year), with apologies to the late, great Dr. Seuss—but not to those greedy, litigious bastards at Dr. Seuss Enterprises, LLC. So there. Happy Christmukah.]

Trevor and Barack: Navigating America’s racial divide.

David Pakman: Most Americans realize that things are pretty good under Obama.

How one man found his inner Obama.

Putin Puppet, Pussy Pawing, Presnit Erect Трамп:

• Daily Show: The gift of reproductive rights
• Olbermann: Our new corporate overlords plan to thrive.
• Conan: Трамп and Obama’s last phone calls of 2016.
• Jon Stewart and David Axlerod on what makes Трамп’s presidency horrible
• Roy Zimmerman: My TV
• Farron Cousins: Трамп is the result of years of GOP anti-intellectualism
• David Pakman: Do Трамп supporters realize that Trump has NO mandate?
• Thom and Dan Sisson: Thomas Jefferson would be appalled.
• Michael Brooks: Oh Good! Henry Kissinger is Giving Трамп “presidential advice”
• Young Turks: Those weren’t LIES…Трамп was being “symbolic”
• Rachel Maddow and Seth Mayers on Трамп conflicts of interest.
• David Pakman: Newt Gingrich admits that Трамп is not draining the swamp
• Conan: Трамп calls Obama about line of succession.:

• David Pakman with Richard Cahan: Трамп’s Muslim registry should remind us of Japanese internment camps
• Seth Meyers: A closer look at climate change and a Трамп presidency
• Mark Fiore: The Трамп who stole America
• Thom: To hell with Godwin’s Law… We’re there!
• Sam Seder: The imminent threats to voting rights under the Трамп administration
• Seth Meyers: Tweetin’ with the Prez

Michael Brooks: Alex Jones is back to Birferism!

Mental Floss: 27 things you might not know about Star Wars.

Left behind in the rush for lithium.

The Hostile Transfer of Power:

• Seth Meyers: A Closer Look at the power grab in North Carolina.
• Michael Brooks: NC just experienced a coup. It could spread.
• Samantha Bee: A very special legislative session
• Thom: The NC GOP power grab.

Samantha Bee: Strange bedfellows.

Young Turks: Michelle Obama responds to “angry black woman” criticism.

2016 Pretty Much Sucked:

• The Daily Show year in review
• Key of Awesome: The 2016 Didn’t Totally Suck Song
• James Corden recaps 2016
• Four heated house moments from 2016

Demographics of the 115th Congress.

Jonathan Mann: Abolish the Electoral College:

Last week’s Friday Night Multimedia Extravaganza can be found here.

If you’re celebrating the Feast of Sol Invictus, Newtonmass, Festivus, or perhaps some obscure one, have happy holidays.

Good on the protesters of the new youth jail. I’m not as opposed to the jail as they are. But, I’m glad they’re keeping the pressure on it.

Some Mondays really suck. And, holy crap do we all need a drink today! Fortunately, we have the Seattle Chapter of Drinking Liberally. Come on in, order a pint, and let’s talk resistance.

We meet every Tuesday at the Roanoke Park Place Tavern, 2409 10th Ave E, Seattle. You’ll find us in the small room at the back of the tavern beginning about 8pm.

Can’t make it to Seattle? Check out one of the other 196 chapters of Living Liberally, including ninteen in Washington state, three in Oregon and one in Idaho. Find, or go out and start, a chapter near you.

Y’all can guess I don’t like Cathy McMorris Rodgers, and her being Sec. of the Interior would have been bad. But holy shit, her being passed over for Donald Trump, Jr.’s hunting buddy is pretty awful. Trump can pick whatever unqualified asshole he wants. On the other, there should probably be a better process. I mean Trump Jr. is supposed to be running the business. Still, there has to be a better selection process.

Luke 19:23-27
Why didn’t you put my money in the bank? On my return, I could have had the money together with interest.”

Then he said to some other servants standing there, “Take the money away from him and give it to the servant who earned ten times as much.”

But they said, “Sir, he already has ten times as much!”

The king replied, “Those who have something will be given more. But everything will be taken away from those who don’t have anything. Now bring me the enemies who didn’t want me to be their king. Kill them while I watch!”

Discuss.

Mental Floss: 21 things that turned 21 in 2016

Samantha Bee: Democrats in the Wilderness.

Adam Ruins Everything: The truth about the McDonald’s coffee lawsuit:

Conan: Keegan-Michael Key on playing Luther & meeting Obama.

Jimmy Kimmel: The YEAR in unnecessary censorship.

President Elect Donald “Serial-Philander-Sociopath-Racist” Drumpf:

• Stephen: Drumpf meets with Kanye.
• Olbermann: The grave danger of Drumpf’s intelligence failure
• Kimmel: Christmas edition of Drunk Donald Drumpf.
• Trevor: “Truth Drumpf” comes out after the election
• Farron Cousins: Drumpf backs out of press conference that would have addressed conflicts of interest
• Jonathan Mann: Brief the Electors
• Young Turks: Donald Drumpf “tortured” Mitt Romney.
• Conan: Drumpf calls Obama, dad to dad:

• Conan: Drumpf calls Obama about the inauguration
• Jimmy Dore: Drumpf meets titans of tech & it goes exactly as you’d think
• Thom: Is Drumpf a target for blackmail?
• Mark Fiore: From Russia with loveski.
• Sam Seder: Presnit-elect pathological personnel appointment.
• Good Grief: It’s a Stephen Colbert Christmas Special
• Joy-Ann Reid: Vladimir Putin directly involved in US election hacking.
• Stephen: Putin hacked the election because of a vendetta against Clinton
• Kimmel: Drunk Donald Drumpf, America’s Dairyland edition
• James Corden: Kanye and Donald are “just friends.”
• Stephen: Congratulations to Russia on winning the cold war.
• Young Turks: Drumpf ordered to give up hotel. Will he?
• Seth Meyers: A closer look at Drumpf’s cabinet of plutocrats and hardliners
• Trevor: Profiles in Tremendousness—Secretary of State edition.
• The pros and cons of Drumpf’s Cabinet picks
• David Pakman: Drumpf National Security Aide claimed Hillary spied on her by helicopter
• Young Turks: Who is Drumpf’s worst cabinet pick?
• Stephen interviews Donald Drumpf
• Farron Cousins: Drumpf camp threatening defecting electors
• Sam Seder: Monica Crowley isn’t just another unqualified Drumpf appointee…
• The Drumpf kids audition to lead ‘blind trust’
• A loyal Republican who won’t vote for Drumpf
• David Pakman: 1/3 of Republicans don’t realize Drumpf lost popular vote BIG LEAGUE
• Olbermann: Hamilton’s plan to keep Drumpf from becoming president.
• Young Turks: Will Ivanka be running the White House?
• Randy Rainbow interviews Donald Drumpf:

• Kimmel: Drumpf on a Stump.
• Sam Seder: Ivanka and her father.
• Stephen: Even Drumpf didn’t see this coming.

The dark history of gay conversion therapy.

Vsauce: Spinning.

2016: The year the world went crazy.

White House: West Wing Week.

Stephen and friends: It’s the end of the year as we know it:

The HOSTILE Transfer of Power:

• North Carolina Legislature try to curb incoming Governor’s power
• Sam Seder: N.Carolina Republicans lose Gov. election, quickly pass laws limiting new Gov.’s power
• Joy-Ann Reid: North Carolina GOP makes power grab after election loss of Governorship
• Young Turks: Republicans scramble to strip Governor of authority
• Pap and Thom: North Carolina GOP politicos ignore democracy

Liberal Viewer: FAUX News hates San Francisco? (Sanctuary city policy.)

Young Turks: Republicans are after your Social Security.

Three-D view of climate change gas.

Samantha Bee: Ms. Robot.

Last week’s Friday Night Multimedia Extravaganza can be found here.

Councilmember Sawant’s Wells Fargo, disinvestment bill is pretty rad. The city shouldn’t undermine its own values and positions with how it spends its money. I like this a lot better than Seattle boycotting states or cities.

I go to West Seattle via bus quite frequently, and I never noticed any problem with the bus shelters Metro is removing (h/t). That shelter in particular has some very neat history on it. I always appreciated those plates. Hopefully they can at least go somewhere. Also, maybe my least favorite thing in Seattle is when it rains hard and too many people share too few bus shelters.

It’s free. It’s fun. And, no extreme vetting is involved! Please join us tonight for an evening of politics over a pint at the Seattle Chapter of Drinking liberally.

We meet every Tuesday at the Roanoke Park Place Tavern, 2409 10th Ave E, Seattle. You’ll find us in the small room at the back of the tavern beginning about 8pm.

Can’t make it to Seattle? Check out one of the other 195 chapters of Living Liberally, including ninteen in Washington state, three in Oregon and one in Idaho. Find, or go out and start, a chapter near you.

Congrats to The Sounders! There will be a parade tomorrow and while good on the Sounders, I just hope it doesn’t screw up traffic too much.

Isaiah 34:7
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.

Discuss.