Andy Pettitte: “If what I did was an error in judgment on my part, I apologize.” If lying repeatedly about using performance-enhancing drugs until confronted by irrefutable proof in an official congressional document was a miscall, I am sorry. If continuing to lie — because, hey, other than that one little incident they got bupkus on me — is wrong, then go out and prove it buster. I’m a big league baseball player, not some athletic version of freakin George Washington. I can tell all the lies I want.
Roger Clemens: I am not a juicer. I am a victim of juicing culture. If juicing had not been so easy to do, if juicing were not such a snap to cover up, and if it hadn’t help me extend my career beyond believable limits and pull in the big bucks while non-juicing chumps labored in the minor leagues, I would never have juiced. Not that I’m saying I did juice, mind you, and you can print that last part. Like you did whenever I told you about my superhuman workout regimen and dedication to keeping my incredible body in shape, you bunch of drooling bozos. I can’t help it if you never consulted a single medical expert or physical therapist about the likelihood I was actually telling the truth instead of taking steroids. It’s not my fault you never once even suspected I was on the needle. I mean, give me a break. I can’t help it if I was born white the same as all of you.
Vancouver pig farmer: If skinning my victims alive somehow caused them pain or embarrassment, I deeply apologize. I only did it to get my jollies so I could continue to be a productive upstanding member of Canadian society. I had a farm to run, after all, and if grinding human flesh in with pig meat and selling it to supermarkets was an error in judgment, I am truly sorry. Although I did not believe it to be against the law, since these were despicable whore scum whose mere breathing presence was a blight on Christian beliefs, I felt bad about doing it and stopped right after the last one I killed. Now will you please absolve me of any illegal behavior and let me go scot free like you do all those big-name sports figures?