Introducing Hoopty: Seattle’s Newest Ride-Share Option!

Hoopty

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, that’s what I always say, which is why I’ve decided to supplement my unemployment by driving part-time for Hoopty™, Seattle’s newest ride-share company!

Hoopty fully embraces the efficiency of the unregulated free market to deliver the future of ride-share today, conveniently offering both prearranged and hailed pickups through your smartphone—just call, text, or email me from your smartphone, and I’ll come pick you up! All of our vehicles have passed the state emissions test, and are guaranteed to have been driven fewer than 100,000 miles (at least for the next 600 miles or so). You can recognize Hoopty by the cracked windshield, the menacing dog, and our signature styrofoam “TAXI” sign crudely taped to the roof of the car.

Take that, pink mustache!

With Hoopty, you’ll enjoy our casual user experience, sitting right up front with the driver. Unless the dog lets you into the back—Feisty hasn’t bitten anybody in years, and even then, not much more than a nip, so you’ll probably be okay—just don’t make any sudden moves or loud noises.

At the end of your ride, your Hoopty driver will be happy to take your credit card, but unlike Lyft, Sidecar, and Uber, we also take cash and barter. (For example, we could really use a new windshield. And maybe some brakes.) And of course, all Hoopty drivers are carefully screened and fully insured. Don’t worry how much insurance. Just trust us!

And finally, at Hoopty, we guarantee that you get what you pay for! Hoopty doesn’t waste money on bells and whistles like app development or car washing or routine vehicle maintenance, allowing us to offer you the most affordable ride-share in Seattle. Tired of paying Uber’s infamous surge pricing? We promise to charge you something less than that, or your money back!

Ready to try Hoopty? Feisty and I will be cruising downtown Seattle this afternoon picking up hailing passengers; just look for the menacing dog and the styrofoam sign, and scream out the special offer code: “Goldy, I need a ride!” As for Hoopty’s legality, well, it’s not like Lyft, Sidecar, and uberX have a monopoly on breaking Seattle’s taxi and for-hire laws. So while we don’t technically have a for-hire license or anything, we don’t expect the Seattle police to bother to stop us, let alone issue a citation. And if they do, we’ll just sue the fuck out of the city for selective enforcement.

Hoopty™: Because if Wall Street backed ride-share companies can break the law, anybody can!

Comments

  1. 4

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    @2 I have some eggs, too, but I don’t know how long they’ve been laying in the coop. I collect them only once a week.

  2. 5

    Roger Rabbit spews:

    I have an idea. To keep yourself legal, and to avoid unnecessary confrontations with the police, instead of putting a “Taxi” sign on your car — which is kind of asking for it — you should tape a sign to the door that says, “I pick up hitchhikers. Donations of food accepted.” They can’t get you for that, because there’s no quota on hitchhiking or food donations.

  3. 6

    Bruce Partington spews:

    Fyi Goldy, the RSS item for this post is showing up blank.

    (Feel free to delete this comment if no longer accurate.)

  4. 12

    tensor spews:

    Could you Hoopty a car over to Stefan’s place, and ask him why Sound Politics has become so lame?

  5. 14

    Fjjfhf spews:

    Goldy boasted awhile ago he could make “three times” what he made at the Stranger. Is unemployment three times that amount, or did adding “three years experience taking cock up my ass” to your LinkedIn profile not result in a flurry of phone calls?

  6. 15

    Lack Thereof spews:

    Actually, I think this is riskier than uberX.

    You’re sticking a signed “Taxi” emblem on the roof, which indicates you’re taking street hails, something NONE of the “ride-share” outlets are doing.

    And Seattle has historically cracked down on cars picking up street-hails without a licence. Of course, it’s typically been licensed for-hire cars that get caught illegally picking up street hails, not random civilian cars.

  7. 16

    spews:

    @15 Really. You think Lyft, Sidecar, and uberX drivers aren’t picking up street hails? I’ve talked to both riders and drivers who have told me otherwise.

  8. 17

    phil spews:

    @16 They’re not hailing…they’re using their smartphones – waving it around till a driver sees it.