Dear Gov. Palin,
Congratulations on your performance tonight. You were comfortable, composed, and deft with the zingers, and there’s no question you’re easy on the eyes (you know, for a 44-year-old woman.) Still, I’m guessing I’m not the only American who was hoping you might talk a little more substantively about your passionate stance on the issues. You know, like reproductive rights.
You see, my daughter started middle school this week (an event I apparently found a lot more traumatic than she did) and with my only child on the verge of adolescence, my parental anxieties have started to fixate on dark thoughts of the inevitability of (ugh) boys. I know what boys are like. I was one once. And thus, I hope my daughter stays away from them as long as possible.
But she won’t forever, and so in addition to what we teach her at home, I want my daughter to receive a medically accurate sex education at school. And while I sure hope she abstains until she’s away at college (where thankfully, I’ll never know about it), if, like the majority of teenagers, she does decide to become sexually active, I want her to have convenient access to effective birth control, emergency contraception, and God forbid, even the opportunity to safely terminate a pregnancy, should she so choose.
Now, I know that you believe that every human life is sacred from the very moment of conception, and I respect your beliefs, but as a fellow parent I would hope that you would respect my belief that arrogant theocrats like you should stay the fuck out of our schools, and out of the private life of my child with your abstinence-only, Christianist voodoo. Perhaps keeping the baby and marrying her beer-swigging dickweed of a boyfriend is the right choice for your 17-year-old daughter—who am I to question her decision? But I don’t want my daughter to ever have to make that awful choice.
The very thought of some (ugh) boy despoiling my beautiful little girl cuts me like a knife through the heart, but I’m realistic enough to know that it’s eventually going to happen, so when it does I want to be damn sure that there is plenty of sturdy, cold latex encasing his undeserving cock. (And I hope it greatly diminishes his pleasure.) You may consider my permissive attitude indicative of the moral decline of the secular left, but then, how’s all your sexual moralizing working out for you and your family, huh?
Best of luck on the rest of your campaign; I hope you enjoy explaining to American voters why you vehemently oppose legal abortion, even in the event of rape or incest, or to save the life of the mother.