Today at 5:30pm, Starbucks’ across America will be closing early to train their staff on how to make better coffee.
“We will have all new standards for how we create the drinks,” said spokeswoman Valerie O’Neil. “They will be trained in creating the perfect shot, steaming the milk and all the pieces that come together in a drink.”
Not to be out done, local conservative bloggers will be closing early as well, but not to make better coffee:
“We’re going to use the blog’s downtime to figure out a way to make Eric Earling’s posts interesting to read,” said Sharkansky. “I mean, Snohomish County? Who gives a fuck?”
Mark Gardener of the Whacky Nation blog announced some changes as well.
“We’re going to give our readers what they’ve been asking for, and that’s fewer YouTube clips of Lou Guzzo, and more clips of kangaroos masturbating.”
Frankly, I don’t know how successful these guys are going to be, but I’m looking forward to better espresso.
If you see a bunch of agitated people walking around rapidly but without purpose after 5:30 PM today – then you’ll know that the caffeine withdrawal symptoms have started.
the coffee addicts will rise up and overthrow….well, they will demand their Java and the….well, drink it.
If you want better coffee, try a brand that isn’t Starbucks…
““We will have all new standards for how we create the drinks,” said spokeswoman Valerie O’Neil. “They will be trained in creating the perfect shot, steaming the milk and all the pieces that come together in a drink.””
Gee, maybe it’s just me, but isn’t this pretty much what they were supposed to be doing all along? If they have to teach their staff how to make coffee, no wonder their sales have been slipping?
Next, maybe, we will get a press release from Boeing, saying that they are taking time to train their mechanics to “new standards”, including you know – h”ow to drill holes, and attach those flappy do-hickeys and the thing that sticks up onto the thing-a-ma-jig, and all those complicated wires and stuff”.
Did you say Lou Guzzo masturbating Kangaroos? That should be interesting.
C’mon Will, give credit where it’s due — they manage to reproduce without having sex with another person.
@3…rhp6033…
“…those flappy do-hickeys and the thing that sticks up onto the thing-a-ma-jig, and all those complicated wires and stuff.”
Why do have to go and get all techie? Isn’t there enough of that stuff without you gumming up a thread with insider jargon and terms that are caffeinated in their implications?
Translations:
flappy do-hickeys – The entry points to Goldy’s longjohns.
the thing that sticks up – What happens when Goldy catches a glimpse of The Darcy.
the thing-a-ma-jig – A dance step that’s part of Goldy’s mating ritual and one that he does whenever he catches a glimpse of The Darcy. See also, “the thing that sticks up.”
those complicated wires – What Goldy sticks into electrical outlets upon being spurned by The Darcy.
and stuff – What Goldy gets from Lee to assuage the anxiety he feels after being spurned by The Darcy.
Must I explain everything???
The Piper
Starbucks switched to automated espresso machines a few years ago, so pulling a shot amounts to pushing a button. I guess they could train the baristas on how to properly steam milk. But I have to agree with Aaron @2, you want better quality espresso drinks, try any number of independent coffee houses or espresso stands in Seattle.
@6: Piper – heheh
that actually was some decent satire….
Let’s be serious… this is a publicity stunt.
If not, how inept are young adults these days? And this is a voting block that supports obama?
I doubt they’re taking the pause to learn new barista technics. Prolly more like group meditating to Werner Erhardt videos.
C’mon I WORK there and I am shocked that no one has brought up that this was basically a giant publicity stunt. I’ve thought so since the meeting was announced over a month ago. Even my boss was laughing his way through the PREPARED SCRIPT he had to read to us.
And “new” standards? There are no new standards. We were never supposed to resteam milk and were always supposed to use shot glasses. Oh, and time to “automatic machines” to make sure the shots aren’t fucked up (I doubt many stores have been doing this). But we did practice steaming milk and had to taste it “the wrong way” and “the right way”. Wrongly steamed milk reminds me of the shit I used to spit out after giving a guy a blow job. So yeah, if your drink tastes like sperm, tell them you want fresh milk.
You’re right. We get paid to MAKE COFFEE and that isn’t exactly like, oh, BUILDING A FUCKING AIRPLANE. But for all the people here who seem to be so astute, not one of you picked up that Howard just got more free publicity from this than SBUX could ever pay for?