Yesterday, GOP frontrunner Rudy Giuliani sent out an email to supporters boldly proclaiming his “12 commitments to the American people”:
- I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists’ War on Us.
- I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.
- I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful Washington spending.
- I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.
- I will impose accountability on Washington.
- I will lead America towards energy independence.
- I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free-market solutions.
- I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.
- I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.
- I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
- I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.
- I will expand America’s involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.
And Giuliani will be able to fulfill all these campaign promises because… well… I guess, because he’s God. An angry, Old Testament God. And a somewhat nutty one, at that.
Let’s just consider Giuliani’s “12 Commitments” one at a time.
“I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists’ War on Us.”
Because “if we don’t fight them over there…” blah, blah, blah, and all that. Though a little defense wouldn’t be so bad either. You know, like protecting our ports, securing our nuclear facilities, inspecting cargo containers, and other boring stuff like that. On the bright side, in promising America an endless war, you can’t accuse Giuliani of pandering to voters by, um, actually listening to them.
“I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.”
Just like he did in New York — all we need are 12 million taxi medallions. But really… identify every non-citizen in our nation? How’s he gonna do that? How large an immigration gestapo is he gonna need to “check the papers” of all 301,139,947 US citizens and residents? How militarized a border is Giuliani envisioning, and what exactly does he plan to do with the 12 million “illegals” he rounds up? I’m not sure what’s more frightening — that Giuliani thinks he can deliver on this promise… or that he wants to?
“I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful Washington spending.”
For example, just think of all the wasteful spending Washington could save if the Justice Department doesn’t have to respond to habeas corpus writs from the 12 million Mexicans Giuliani plans to round up? On the other hand, fighting the eternal “War on Us”, building a wall around our nation, and identifying, detaining and deporting 12 million people, well, that costs big bucks. So I suppose to both restore fiscal discipline and pay for his ambitious foreign and domestic agenda, Giuliani is going to have to raise taxes, right?
“I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.”
Oops. My bad.
“I will impose accountability on Washington.”
And, um, I suppose if Giuliani “imposes” accountability on Washington, that must mean Washington will be accountable to him? Is he running for President or Dictator?
“I will lead America towards energy independence.”
The rendered fat from an average Mexican immigrant could fuel a bio-diesel powered SUV for a week. Hmm. Giuliani’s immigration plans are beginning to make sense.
“I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free-market solutions.”
Because the ultimate “portable free-market solution” is for Americans to pick up and move to a country that actually offers affordable health care. You know, like Canada. Now if we can only sneak past the troops at the border….
“I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.”
Just like he did as Mayor of New York. And of course, nobody is better qualified to “protect the quality of life for our children” than a man whose own kids won’t campaign for him.
“I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.”
We need judges who will strictly construct the US Constitution. Except for those pesky Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Eighth and Ninth Amendments. And possibly the First. And certain inconvenient paragraphs in Article I, Section 8. And some other parts. Other than that, we need strict constructionist judges.
“I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.”
You know, just like Giuliani prepared New York City for 9/11 by ensuring that police, fire, and other rescue workers used communications systems that could not communicate with each other, and by insisting on locating the city’s Office of Emergency Management (OEM) crisis center in the heart of New York’s most likely terrorist target. (The thousands of gallons of diesel fuel stored in WTC 7 to power OEM’s backup generators was a particularly bright idea… except for the part where the fuel spilled, burned, and likely led to the building’s collapse.) With preparation like that, who needs terrorists?
“I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.”
And nothing increases access to quality education like defunding public schools by siphoning dollars to religious institutions and for-profit “charter” schools. After all, an unfettered free market always leads to the most efficient allocation of resources. (You know, except when market forces entice 12 million Mexicans to come across the border to fill low wage jobs.)
“I will expand America’s involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.”
… By deporting 12 million workers, and staying the course in Iraq.
Giuliani doesn’t bother to tell us how he will keep these commitments, just that he will keep them. Apparently, all of our nation’s problems could be easily solved if only America had a president who had the will to solve them. And the power to impose his will.
No, Giuliani isn’t a God, he’s just a man. A man who would impose his will on the American people. A man whose apparent embrace of unitary executive theory makes George Bush look like James Madison.
All hail Benito Giuliani.