I guess this is what passes for humor amongst the Guns & God wing of the Republican Party:
Ever wonder why there are so few Republican comedians? It’s because this is what passes for humor During a speech before the National Rifle Association convention Friday afternoon in Louisville, Kentucky, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee — who has endorsed presumptive GOP nominee John McCain — joked that an unexpected offstage noise was Democrat Barack Obama looking to avoid a gunman.
“That was Barack Obama, he just tripped off a chair, he’s getting ready to speak,” said the former Arkansas governor, to audience laughter. “Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.”
One thing you can say about Huckabee, he sure knows how to play to an audience.
UPDATE:
Here’s the video:
Listen to the audience laugh. Somebody aimed a gun at our first African American presidential nominee… oh man that’s funny, isn’t it?
But yet if we made jokes about someone shouting the president, the FBI would be at our door. Not fair!
Why are so many comedians Democrats? Because most all of what they believe is a joke.
The Piper
Hear tell that Al Franken is finding his run for the U.S. Senate in Minnesota to be a very taxing proposition.
The Piper
I guess I don’t even get the joke.
If somebody aims a gun at you, the best place to be is on the floor. Any other response is foolish, unless you are trained to block a bullet (Secret Service). Even if you have a gun, you should be firing it from a position on the floor, if at all possible. Ask any infantryman.
Ahhhh…yes. Mike Huckabee. The same guy joking about razor blades in a bathtub.
What a sweetie!
When former Lousiana Congressman William Jefferson heard the federal government was about to freeeze his assets, he decided he would beat them to the punch.
The Piper
Piper’s either suffering from food poisoning from eating a bad haggis, or he’s popped a few too many little aneurysms trying to toss a caber.
When Sen. Harry Reid and Speaker Nancy Pelosi heard that a bungle-brother gaggle of Muslim extremists were planning an attack on Fort Dix, NJ, they demanded the withdrawal of all U.S. forces from New Jersey.
The Piper
Piper: Here’s a good story about a good ol’ Republican Texas boy —– It’s about Texas Logic —-
A few years ago, I was a philosophy teacher at a community college in a little town in Texas by the banks of the lazy Pecos. One day this ol’ boy comes into my office and says he’s interested in broadening his horizons, so he wants to go back to school.
“I think I’ll start with something easy, like Beginning Logic, 101. Can you tell me a bit about this here ‘Logic’?”
I decided to give him an example. I asked him if he owned a weed whacker, and he said he did. I said that he probably owned a house, then, because if he rented, he’d not care about the yard. I then asked him if the house had several bedrooms. He said, yes, it had four. Then I told him that if he had a house with four bedrooms, he probably was married, had children, and was a heterosexual.
The ol’ boy was amazed — because all of that was accurate. On the way home he decided to stop for a cool Lone Star, and he ran in to his ol’ buddy, George W. Bush. George says to him, “Whatcha been up to?”
“Well”, says Clem, “I just signed up at the community college for a class in logic. Lemme give you an example: George, do you own a weed whacker?”
“No”, sez George.
“Well, then George, yer a queer!”
@7…AF…
Have you ever tried haggis? I’d sooner eat offal.
And tossing the caber is only for crazy people. At a highland games, the musicians and dancers NEVER go near that stuff!
The Piper
PS: Why did the Democrat cross the road? Because the trough of government boodle was on the other side. But he could only cross under a subsidized, light rail friendly, public-private co-prosperity sphere partnership that didn’t require any effort on his part and that had instructions printed in 38 languages with no proof of need or citizenship required.
Blowout. November.
I’ve got another good one about a guy named Piper Scott who has an unusually tiny dick.
When the Bush administration heard that a bungle-brother gaggle of Muslim pizza delivery boys with “no ties to international terrorist organizations” were talking aimlessly about an attack on Fort Dix, NJ, they imediately sent FBI agents to offer to sell them weapons. The idiot boys said “OK, sure,” so they arrested them on 5/8/2007 and in the year since have not arraigned them, brought them to trial, nor released them. Observers experienced with Bush administration terror arrests and trials expect this prosecution to go exactly nowhere.
Throw away your micrometer, lucy. Don’t waste time trying to measure a crotch appendage that you don’t have.
“But yet if we made jokes about someone shouting the president …” Don’t know any good shouting jokes, but The Amazing Randi Rhodes made shooting jokes about President Bush (the “Fredo option … works for me”), and she was apparently below the radar and beneath the contempt of the FBI.
But then she finally crossed the final line, saying something unkind about a Clinton. Joke about shooting a Bush? No problem. Call Hillary a whore? Lose your job.
” … expect this prosecution to go exactly nowhere …”
Especially if the psychokillers retained Lyn Stewart to play defense.
Slate’s Jacob Weisberg, your basic Bush hater, wrote about the forgotten or previously unknown (to us) extent of the post-9/11 anthrax attack.
Tenet wrote about the liklihood that 9/11 was only the opening salvo of a long campaign of terror against us.
Scheuer and Tenet wrote of the almost slam-dunk certainty that alQaeda wants a nuke and the liklihood that it can get one.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed took a bath and spilled the beans about a bag of tricks that included an attack on Columbia Tower.
Etc.
The point, as Cheney explained, is that 6+ years without another attack on America is not an accident. It’s an accomplishment.
If Bush and Cheney have a legacy worth remembering with anything other than dismay, that accomplishment is it.
Mike does have his mean-spirited side doesn’t he?
The guy’s dumb as a post. It showed in his campaign – so small time…
Not even the audience liked the joke that much.
15 RD
How about some successful prosecutions? For an administration who’s been illegally listening in on and data mining all Americans for seven years, you’d think they could come up with a conviction.
Prior to 9/11, our only domestic terrorist act (outside of conservative Republican Tim McVeigh in 1995) was the George HW Bush-inspired attack on the WTC in 1993, 26 days after Bill Clinton took office. But even though he had just taken office, what did Bill’s boys do? Oh, yeah, they caught the guys who did it, convicted them, and put them into prison.
When’s ol’ Khalid going to trial? Who do the Bushes hire as attorneys anyway? It takes them five years to prepare a case? Or maybe they don’t have one…torture evidence is notoriously weak.
RD @ 15
Yeah, well, we were repeatedly warned for the 6 months up to 9/11 (to mother-fucking DATELINE) that it was going to happen.
So accomplishment? Let me check my dictionary.
Here’s another bit of Republican logic:
We have been refusing to talk to Iran, and instead have been steadily upping the miltary ante, moving additional carriers into place (though I think it’s a ruse to cover a mere replacement), upping our rhetoric, and as we’ve seen, pooh-poohing the notion of any form of negotiation as mistaken girliness.
What has that gained us? Is Iran any further from the creation of a nuclear weapon these chickenhearts fear (which of course may not be happening at all)? Nope, in fact, Iran has announced that they are increasing the number of centrifuges they plan to bring on line (can they? Who knows?).
So what do our stalwart Republican chickenhearts recommend? Why, more of the same miltarism, of course! Except more, much more. You see, they never met a failed policy about which they were not absolutely convinced that redoubled effort would bring big, big results.
It’s as though their belief in the power and rightness of their ideology trumps all contact with reality. Naw, on second thought, who could possibly be that stupid?
11 We seemed to hear the same kind of rhetoric from Bush, Cheney and their pals running up to the 2004 election, and it sounded more like a threat than anything else–“re-elect us, or something really baaaaaaad’s gonna happen!”
These were the same clowns who sat on their thumbs while everyone but them seemed to know Osama’s boys were getting ready to do what they did.
Ah yes–the anthrax. Didn’t it turn out someone analyzed it and lo and behold, it was a strain developed by the US Army? Sure, I’ll bet al Queda wants a nuke. Me personally, I’d like a new Bentley, a villa in the south of France and a few nights boinking that piece of twiffy Spitzer was messing with…except I’d like it to be on the house, thank y’all. Doesn’t mean I think I’m gonna get ’em.
Keeping America safe from “terror”? Most people are more terrified of what their own government has become than they are of anything else.
19 TJM
As well as being warned since the day they started talking to the members of the outgoing administration BEFORE Jan. 20 2001 to expect that al-Qaeda and bin Laden were the most important problems they faced. They just ignored it because they hated all things Clinton, and went on their way trying to push their own pet project: the ridiculous, non-scalable, and unworkable “missile defense” (as Condi Rice was supposed to speak on the day of 9/11/2001).
OK. This is where it gets unhinged. The Left gets to point with deserved pride to successful prosecutions apres the 1993 attack on the Clinton Towers. Merry Fitzmas Fitzgerald & Andy McCarthy were able to make the system work without (let’s assume) the use of waterboards and military tribunals (as FDR used c. 1942.)
But a cursory study of the Cold War shows the difficulty of getting successful prosecutions when entire tranches of evidence are off-limits in a public courtroom because the disclosure of slam-dunk evidence will compromise or destroy “intelligence” methods and networks.
Maybe that’s also a problem in the terror war. Or maybe the Right just can’t do anything right.
And Bush has failed to secure trial or conviction of the mastermind of the USS Cole bombing. Al-Nashiri, believed to be the operation’s mastermind, is currently being held by the U.S. at Guantanamo Bay detention camp. Where’s the trial? Where’s the conviction?
Not “or.” This iteration and administration of the Right just can’t do anything right.
How do you get a Republican to leave your front door?
Pay him for the pizza!
“They just ignored it because they hated all things Clinton” & blah blah blah.
Not true, at least according to the usual reliable sources that I read. Still … not one of us in the HA cesspool probably knows for sure.
This I know: Clintonista Richard Clarke made the post hoc assertion that Clintonistas shook Ahmed Ressam out of the trees, that Ressam’s capture was a typically smooth move of an on-its-toes administration. In fact, pulling down Ressam before he blew up L.A. was — as we Sounders know — dumb luck: somebody in a uniform invading somebody’s space and civil rights. Sometimes we get lucky.
“intelligence sources and methods” is an excuse for Bush incompetence. There are lots of ways to achieve the goal of a conviction without compromising sources and methods. But this is how Bush restricts access to information from defense attorneys and justifies their indefinite detention of innocents.
Isn’t it against the law to threaten a presidential candidate with bodily harm? Why didn’t the Secret Service arrest this asswipe? He should be in jail, and anyone else who wants to impose a 40% federal sales tax on America’s working families should be in jail with him.
Oh, Ahmed Ressam, the guy the Clinton administration successfully tried and convicted and who was sentenced to 22 years in prison. I knew there was something different from the Bushes there. Maybe a guy just falls into your hands, but it’s what you do with that event that matters. The Clintons shoot, and score. Bush dithers, dawdles, and ultimately just whacks off congratulating himself without accomplishing anything.
“Somebody aimed a gun at him and he dove for the floor.”
That’s not a threat, as any law-school grad or dropout should know.
Now if the Huckster talked about throwing BHO in the corn popper with diced squirrel (which doesn’t taste like chicken) …
” … successfully tried and convicted …”
Tried and convicted during the Bush Administration. Sentenced by Seattle bleeding heart Connaugher (sp?), who cut slack for Ressam by claiming that Bushites were unkind to killers.
The reason the Bushistas looked the other way until the planes hit the WTC seems pretty evident from what the members of the Project for a New American Clusterfuck put in writing, three years beforehand. What other “Pearl Harbor type event” were they expecting, or should I say, hoping for?
Terror Tsar Richard Clarke, according to the sources I hang with, effected the quick exit, from the U.S., of several bin Ladens in the immediate aftermath of 9/11. That was Clarke’s autonomous decision. Clarke did it, Bush gets blamed for it. How convenient.
31 I’m just heaving a great sigh of relief that Huckabee isn’t going to have his finger on the Great Big Trigger any time soon.
This is a man who’s ordained to preach the Gospel of Jesus? Boggles the mind.
PiperPoopiePants,
Look dipwad, the jokes you are posting are:
1. Not funny.
2. Stolen from the internet (gotta love google)
3. Not funny.
4. Not your original work. (see 2)
Piper, you are jerk. There is no nice way to put that. There is no PC way to explain your complete lack of intellectual integrity. You are just, plain and simple, a jerk.
If you find this conclusion offensive, take a look in the mirror. Some serious introspection is long overdue.
The Last Word on appeasement, here.
In the interest of fairness, there are a few comedians that espouse conservative or other rightist views. Dan “Larry the Cable Guy” Whitney and Dennis Miller are probably the most well known, but one other I can think of is T. Bubba Bechtol (www.tbubba.com) a cut-rate LtCG clone who’s pretty much the unofficial comedian of the NRA.
Love Daddy,
Nice spoof of a name. Clearly original. Shows a level of cleverness not often seen here. Hard for the rest of us to get that low.
Oh, I almost forgot. FUCK YOU!
Fart: Heard this morning that Huck’s at the top of McCain’s VP short list.
Course, that’s not a problem since Big John has at least 5 or 6 good decades to go.
Why, fuck you very much too, my friend. With My Left Foot. (Apologies to Daniel Day Lewis.)
” … pretty much the unofficial comedian of the NRA.”
That gig’s pretty much been taken by Reverend Huck.
My Left Foot makes YLB ‘look’ sane by comparison. Class act, dude.
41:
About what I expected. You might try “the Google” for better quips.
Love Daddy:
My patience has worn thin after nearly four years of posts that you, and others with the same demented mind set, like to squat and leave here. You don’t have an original thought. You don’t have the cognitive ability to recognize that you are vastly over matched here. You continue to post despite having your ass handed to you on a regular basis.
Moe-ron.
Appeasement, the sequel:
That’s from the good old days when invective wasn’t wasted on Left Foot swine. For more of where that came from, go here.
(Churchill revisionism via Pat Buchanan, et al.)
My Left Foot –
I’m fine, as I am new to HA, for you to have a history with your fellow readeres and have worn patience. However, do not get the idea that originality holds any additional weight. Good luck finding anything genuinely original.
Even your username is inspired. But seriously, the dog? Come on.
Unfortunately, by even addressing this comment to you, I am helping de-rail the post which is completely unproductive.
Yes the GOP is all about the hate. And that’s not been working very well for them lately has it? While there’s no doubt they will make sure this is the most hate-filled campaign ever, it will accomplish nothing. They will loooooose and America will win.
@39
But you did it anyways.
@39
But you did it anyways.
Piper has man-boobs.
This should have been a MAJOR tip off to Bush’s incompetence back in 2000:
Today’s headline regarding the rising cost of oil:
Saudi Arabia rebuffs Bush on oil production
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – Saudi Arabia’s leaders made clear Friday they see no reason to increase oil production until customers demand it, apparently rebuffing President Bush amid soaring U.S. gasoline prices.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24660754
Let’s get in the “way back machine, Mr. Peabody.”
THE 2000 CAMPAIGN: THE TEXAS GOVERNOR; Bush Would Use Power of Persuasion to Raise Oil Supply
Gov. George W. Bush of Texas said today that if he was president, he would bring down gasoline prices through sheer force of personality, by creating enough political good will with oil-producing nations that they would increase their supply of crude.
”I would work with our friends in OPEC to convince them to open up the spigot, to increase the supply,” Mr. Bush, the presumptive Republican candidate for president, told reporters here today. ”Use the capital that my administration will earn, with the Kuwaitis or the Saudis, and convince them to open up the spigot.”
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/f.....wanted=all
What a loser. From beginning to end.
Wow, Huck really pulls ’em in, doesn’t he?
47 TJM
I think you’re doing pretty well.
And what’s worse, they sag.
35 AF
I think Huckabee’s got both hands around The Big Trigger on a regular basis, if you know what I mean.
Piper is the only male member of Lactation Nation.
I noticed Pooper is not posting much today. Must be his day to meet with the parole officer. Wasn’t your conviction for pedophilia Pooper?
34 LD
So, some member of the White House staff makes an “autonomous decision” and the president has absolutely nothing to do with it; in fact, it’s against every fiber of his being. What happens to this trusted member of the White House inner circle who so betrayed his boss? Was he demoted? Fired? How could they let this abject betrayal occur without consequence (and in a notoriously vindictive administration that prizes blind loyalty above all)?
Answer: They did nothing to him because he was doing what the president wanted.
BTW, Richard Clarke was Assistant Secretary of State for Intelligence under Ronald Reagan, coordinated diplomatic efforts to support the 1990-1991 Gulf War under GHW Bush, and was counter-terrorism coordinator and later was the Special Advisor to the president on cybersecurity and cyberterrorism under GW Bush.
Fired? Oh, no, he resigned from the Bush Administration in 2003 (because HE didn’t agree with Idiot Boy’s invasion and occupation of Iraq).
Everyone knows they are desperate, every little joke will be coming out – even if they have to sell PuddyPrick their Bible first, so they don’t do it in the name of God.
The Tommy (at least I don’t wear a quilt)
@36…Carl…
Truly, I am sorry you are having a bad day…No one deserves a bad day.
But you wrong in re originality. Take my post @8, which is a joke I developed and had printed in The Seattle Times as a LTE. Now, I don’t claim by any stretch that I was alone in coming to the same jocular conclusion – with Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, jokes just roll off them like liberals off the free lunch counter.
But I didn’t go hunting the Internet for stuff – not my style.
But I am saddened that instead of seeing the puckish humor I offer, you get your knickers in a knot because some good-humored fun is getting poked at some of your shibbeloths.
Lighten up!!!
BTW…it is also my earnest hope that your health is holding steady or improving.
The Piper
Funny I know many Republicans that would kill for free lunch.
60 PS
Yes, you’re just like Puck, aren’t you?
@62…DL…
“Lord, what fools these mortals be…”
The Piper
@63 You speak only for yourself, crackpiper … only for yourself.
re 23: “the use of waterboards and military tribunals (as FDR used c. 1942.)”
Reference, please. I don’t believe the part about waterboarding. And if he used military tribunals, then Prescott Bush should have been brought before one and charged as the Nazi traitor that he was.
re 63: Only a fool himself would use that quote to prove others are foolish.
Think about it, Oh, Immortal One. Oh. I forgot. Your 2,000 year old invisible friend Jesus will make you immortal. He craves the eternal presence of a fat old man in a skirt tooting his own horn.
Duncan @66
I’ve always been a Jesus guy. That’s why I’m a leftwinger. Stephen Stills said that Jesus Christ was the first nonviolent revolutionary. Others have said that, in other terms, in the past. Piper is a smart guy. He even has a sense of humor. His problem is that he cannot shake off his partisanship, even when his party left him long ago. Hey, m’lad, that’s my analysis.
Piper @ 2
Why are so many comedians Democrats?
Aren’t all Republicans comedians?
‘Course, these days, we still end up with more Democratic comedians.
There once was a Scottish Republican
Who thought he could make us believe again
But when pressed for his wares
His cupboard proved bare
And, now, he’s taking a Mulligan
Democrats read prurient materials in the privacy of their own homes. Republicans form censorship committees, and read them as a group.
Republicans eat 3/4 of all the rutabaga in the world. The rest is thrown out.
Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
Republican couples sleep in twin beds–at times even in separate rooms, which is why there are more Democrats.
re 23: “the use of waterboards and military tribunals (as FDR used c. 1942.)”
The parenthetic part refers only to military tribunals.
Excellent discussion of in re Quirin in Roosevelt’s Secret War, by Joe Persico. Also by the Excellent Piper at several HA cite sites.
Dad @58: Mentioned Clarke because somebody here recited the canard that Clintonoids were focused like laser beams on bringing down bin Laden and that Bush dropped the ball. That canard probably started with Clarke, who also said that Condi Rice was clueless about al Qaeda.
Clarke also retailed a rumor that Clintonoids shook the trees so hard that Ressam fell out, as planned. That’s probably a lie.
Often repeated here is the probable lie that Bush let his bin Laden buddies get out of town in 2001 even before the towers were cold. Aside from the fact that the extended bin Laden family is mostly estranged from strange Osama, there’s counterspin: Clarke, not Bush, let them go.
Probably. Probable. Lies & spin. I know the final answer to none of these things. Neither do you. But in late September 2001, The New Republic published a Washington Post excerpt showing that Clinton probably refused Sudan’s offer to extradite OBL to the United States in 1996 or 1997. Liar Lawyer Clinton averred that there was an insufficient case for prosecuting bin Laden (who’d been hitting us at least since Somalia in 1992/1993) in an American court.
(“Probably refused”: Although Hannity has Clinton on tape moaning about his refusal to take OBL when he had the chance, Clintonoid George Tenet writes that the story is more nuanced and complicated. Ditto the story about the August 2001 PDB.)
Read the rest: Blethen Times, 12 April 2004
Piper,
I know you are sincere. I really do. I am doing well, well as well as one can be with this heart of mine. Still go where I want, do what I want. No more basketball or marathons, just walking.
Your jokes are groaners though and I did not take offense to them, I just hated how bad they are. I do take umbrage with Huckabee. You or I make that comment and the not so Secret Service goes up our asses with lights, shovels and pickaxes. I know he apologized, but that does not seem like enough to me. Ye olde double standard.