Tim is so rude. He never replies to my email. [“Dear Tim…”]
However I recently received a thoughtful epistle from one of his supporters, and though I tend to keep private correspondence, um… private, in light of the fact that he didn’t bother to use a real email address I thought I’d take the liberty of replying publicly.
Klaus (not his real name) writes: “Hey Goldberg,” (not my real name,) “I’m sic [sic] and tired of lefty east coast ivy league leaches [sic] like you moving out here and attacking REAL AMERICANS like Tim Eyman [really sick]. I’d tell you to go back where you came from, but nobody wants your people back.”
Hmmm. Where to start?
Well first, I hate to admit it Klaus, but you’re right: I am an Ivy Leaguer. I shamefully graduated with a B.A. in History from the University of Pennsylvania, where I was obviously indoctrinated in left-wing politics, and unlike you… spelling.
I suppose if I were a “REAL AMERICAN like Tim” (better check that sticky shift key, Klaus,) I would have majored in UPSIDE-DOWN MARGARITAS at a REAL SCHOOL like WSU.
But then, my “people” aren’t REAL AMERICANS, are we? We are “lefty east coast ivy league leaches [sic]” … by which, of course, you mean JEWS.
And as a Jew, I could never be a REAL AMERICAN like you or Tim or I-892’s biggest financial backer, the Great CANADIAN Gaming Corporation.
That said, I do have one nit to pick with your otherwise cogent observations: I’m pretty sure I would in fact be quite welcome if I were to decide to go back where I came from.
Philadelphia is a cosmopolitan city with a vibrant art and theater scene, and a diverse populace that understands that deep down, the most meaningful difference between your people and my people is that my people occasionally like to eat smoked fish for breakfast.
(And, we know how to spell.)