Can’t Bring Yourself to Type the Word “Ass”?
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Wingies,
Please, oh please, make Sarah your party’s candidate.
Re 1
Only in the fantasies of the left. Sorry.
Former Senator Ted Stevens is confirmed among the five dead in a plane crash in rough country around Dillingham, Alaska. There were four survivers. Stevens had previously lost family members (his first wife and child) in an airplane crash in the 1970s, which he survived.
No jokes from me, here. I took my potshots at him while he was Senator, but today I’ll pray for him and the eight others on the airplane, and their families.
desperate leftist @ 1–
Palin is much more effect in her current roll as fund-raiser…and taking shots at Progressives.
She will not even run.
Paul Ryan (R-WI) will be the next President if he decides to run.
http://www.americanroadmap.org
Mr. Cynical
No, nor will he run.
I am that I am.
@4 Instead of daydreaming about fucking goats why don’t you just go out to the shed and do it?
By Shalom Auslander |
It’s been a busy summer, what with summer camp and playdates and all, and so the vacation my wife and I planned to take in June was pushed to July, the July trip was then pushed to August. The other day, we stood in the kitchen, rescheduling the August trip for the end of September.
“What about the High Holy Days?” she asked.
“I’m not sure they’re holy,” I said, “but I’m definitely going to spend them high.”
Ha! I love that joke.
Suddenly there came a furious knocking at my front door. Outside stood an ultra-Orthodox rabbi, with a big black hat, a long black beard, and a red canister of gasoline in his hand. Two young yeshiva students were at his side, one holding a clipboard, the other holding a baseball bat. I opened the door.
“Shalom Auslander?” the rabbi asked.
“Yes?”
“Shalom Auslander, the Jew?”
“What an odd question,” I said.
“Yes or no,” he said.
“Yes.”
The yeshiva student with the clipboard checked something off on his sheet of paper, and the rabbi handed me a small wooden box.
“It is my duty to inform you,” he said, “that you are no longer Jewish.”
“Did my mother send you?” I asked.
The rabbi shook his head, and explained that he was a representative of the committee assigned by the Knesset to determine who was and wasn’t a Jew.
“I thought that was just about conversions,” I said.
“It started out that way,” the rabbi replied. “But if you’re going to judge the validity of people’s conversions, you might as well judge the validity of their observance, their beliefs, their behavior.” His eyes narrowed at me. “Even their jokes.”
“You mean that one about the High Holy Days?”
“Bingo,” said the rabbi. “We did not appreciate that. The question of who is and who isn’t a Jew is one of the most critical of our time.”
“That and, say, hunger,” I said.
“Don’t judge me,” said the rabbi.
I apologized and shook the box.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Your foreskin.”
“So big deal,” I said with a shrug. “So I’m not a Jew. So what?”
The rabbi nodded to the student beside him, who raised his bat overhead and shattered the glass of my front door.
“May we come in?” the rabbi asked.
The rabbi explained that now that I was un-Jewed, any possessions I may have acquired as a result of my having once been a Jew were to be returned or destroyed.
The student smashed my TV.
“You have profited handsomely from some very Jewish qualities,” the rabbi said. “Self-awareness, facility with words, a sense of humor (sort of). When you were a Jew that was OK. But now it’s a slap in the face of the 6 million who died in the Holocaust.”
The students smashed my DVD player, and bashed in my computer.
“I think you’re overestimating my book sales,” I said.
“Ah yes, the books,” said the rabbi. “Those are going to have to go too.”
Not just mine, he explained, but all the once-Jewish writers who had been deemed no longer Jewish—all these would have to be destroyed too. As the one student continued smashing my belongings, the other went through my bookshelves, pulling off the books of all the un-Jewed Jewish authors he could find and throwing them into a pile on the floor of my den. He started with the Roths—Henry and Joseph and Philip. The Collected Works of Franz Kafka followed, as did The Complete Prose of Woody Allen and The Collected Letters of Groucho Marx and The Complete Short Stories of Isaac Babel. Some say Cervantes’ mother was Jewish, so they simply tore my Don Quixote in half, and then they tore in half my Complete Works of Michel de Montaigne and Proust’s In Search of Lost Time. When they were done, all that was left were some Shakespeare, a bunch of 20th century Russians, my collected Beckett (though they tore out the introduction by Paul Auster), and anything by Céline, who fortunately hated Jews.
The yeshiva student poured gasoline on the book pile and lit a match. The rabbi explained that I had two weeks to return my sense of humor, my 401(k), and any screenplays I might be working on to the Israeli government. I tried to get him to take my shame, sexual dysfunction, hypochondria, and low self-esteem, but he refused, claiming those were the fault of my parents and were therefore their responsibility.
The yeshiva student set the books on fire. My wife came into the room, and asked what was going on.
“We’re not Jews anymore,” I said.
“So can we go on vacation in September?” she asked.
I’d had enough.
“I would like to speak to your supervisor,” I said to the rabbi.
They laughed.
“We have no supervisors,” said the rabbi. “We did, but we took their Jewishness away too.”
“What about their supervisors, then?”
“We un-Jewed those goyim first.”
“Surely there’s someone in the Israeli government I can speak with.”
“That’s gone.”
“What?”
“Israel.”
“Not Jewish enough?”
“Tel Aviv,” he explained.
“Netanyahu,” I said, “let me speak to him.”
The rabbi shook his head.
“Have you ever seen him with a yarmulke? Always with the bare head, the sheygets. And he calls himself a Jew.”
“So how many Jews are left?” I asked.
“After you?”
“Yeah.”
“Just us,” said the rabbi. “But Shlomo’s being de-Jewed when we get back to the motel, and Yaakov once carried on Shabbos, so we’re pretty much down to me.”
“You’re the last Jew?”
“Looks that way.”
I shook my head at the irony of it all. When I was young and violated Shabbos or ate nonkosher, my mother told me I was finishing what Hitler started. Later, when I wrote anything critical of Judaism, I was told the same thing by complete strangers. Who would have guessed that the ones who’d really try to finish what Hitler started would be a few ultra-Orthodox rabbis? The rabbi and I sat on my couch and watched the flames rising higher and higher in my home. He sighed sadly.
“What can you do,” he said, “when the whole world hates us?”
The Nathanael West collection caught fire at the top of the pile. The I.B. Singer smoldered near the bottom. Half of The Catcher in the Rye curled into ash and floated up to the ceiling.
“Anti-Semites, the whole lot of them,” said the rabbi. “Never again.”
@6, Roger: LOL
lost @ 2
What, you won’t even leave me with my dreams? Man, you guys are selfish.
@3
Well, with Senator Stevens now gone, perhaps the citizens of Alaska could do something to honor his memory. They could name a building after him, or how about an airport? But perhaps they’ll wait, seems a bit too soon.
Wow, that was quick. They’ve already changed the website and all the signs.
http://dot.alaska.gov/anc/about/index.shtml
“They could name a building after him, or how about an airport? But perhaps they’ll wait, seems a bit too soon.”
Do you mean like the Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport?
http://aia-mufids.dot.state.ak.us/
@11 heh- And I thought I was being helpful. Ted wasn’t the only one who got his ego stroked. Don’t we have the Norm Dicks building in Bremerton?
In other news, Chris Ortloff, a 62 year old former New York Republican legislator, has been sentenced to federal prison for 12 1/2 years for using the Internet to try to entice minors into having sex. He thought he was communicating with the mother of two girls, ages 10 and 11, and was arranging to meet them at a motel room for sex.
http://www.kansascity.com/2010.....years.html
Max, this guy is one of your friends. Nice guy, oh and he’s one of yours, a true heterosexual.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....77696.html
I think we will stick to stewards jumping down airplane emergency chutes.
Huh?
I just received a press release from Boeing, offering it’s official condolences to the family of Ted Stevens. It was somewhat lavish in it’s praise:
“We remember Sen. Stevens as a patriot who dedicated himself to public service and who made a real difference to the U.S. military and the lives of countless people. He was a great friend to the men and women of the armed forces, and he used his power in the Senate to fight tirelessly for them. Over the course of his six-decade career in U.S. government, Sen. Stevens was a strong advocate for his constituents and put the good of his nation above politics.”
What makes me wonder, is that another passenger on the same plane, a survivor (and his son), who was the former head of NASA, and currently heads EADS-North America. Stevens may have been a friend of the defense budget, but he was no friend of Boeing Commercial Airplanes division.
You might remember that EADS are the ones who are continuing to fight for the Boeing Tanker contract, even after Northrup dropped out of it’s partnership with them. And I don’t recall hearing a peep out of Boeing when Sen. Byrd died a month or so ago.
Yep!
@14
It never ends.
Why not just rename an important feature after him …. I was thinking of Prudhoe Bay .. it could be recalled the Stephen’s Sludge?
I was born in Alaska, shortly after statehood. I returned there to live in adulthood, even married my wife there. I love Alaska. Ted Stevens did not advance the interests of that state, if you want to look at the big picture. Ted Stevens always looked after his own interests. I wish his family well. He did not do the state of Alaska well.
what? no comments about crooked charlie rangel maxipad waters?
no comments on Bawney Fwank’s outright lies or his involvement in fucking up the housing market?
wow, all the mouthy progressives sure do get silent when they look the fool….
The Stranger has an add for a new service.
For $150, a doctor will write you a prescription for medical marijuana!
Great deal!
Lee
winner of LEGO award.
@15
he gleeman, is this guy one of your queer buddies….
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Bonin
he seems to fit the profile…little boys, a van, torture….yep…one of yours for sure.
How about this.
We are at war. I have not seen any war bond drives or anything to pay for them.
So….
We tax the top 5% at 90% for as long as we are Iraq and Afghanistan. It won’t completely cover the bills but it would put a dent it in them.