1 Samuel 5:6
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon those of Ashdod, and He destroyed them and smote them with hemorrhoids.
Discuss.
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The Lord grew angry with Ashdod when they wouldn’t #savelittlebilly
That was just a warning shot. If they don’t get the message, he’ll smite them with benign prostatic hyperplasia.*
* Based on my experience, I see nothing benign about it. As far as I’m concerned, this condition is right up there with Prometheus’ punishment, and bears a lot of similarities.
How do you even smite someone with a hemorrhoid? Don’t you need a big stick or similar, if you’re going to do smiting? Hemorrhoids are small and squishy. They’re a terrible choice for blunt force trauma.
@3 What’s so great about blunt force trauma? That’s a tactic of novices and fools. Think about this: Why do seasoned interrogators pull out fingernails instead of clubbing subjects over the head? Who’s more likely to cooperate, someone in pain or someone unconscious? This passage demonstrates that God is smarter than you. (When you get right down to it, God is smarter than all of us, except I can’t figure out why He created Doctor Dumbfuck. The only possible explanation is that his parents, not God, were responsible for that, which blows out of the water the Right-to-Life claim that fetuses are divine creations.)
Taking all these old scriptures literally brings trials and tribulations to us all. Muslims are very guilty of taking things too seriously. My boy Muhammad said some pretty dangerous things, and his followers (they’re not my followers, that’s for sure!) took his shit seriously. It seems they forgot about the most important rule in religion,The Golden Rule.
Rise up with the Devil!
@4: I didn’t say blunt force trauma was great. I said if your intention is “smiting”, that implies smacking someone with force. If the ancient Bronze Age goat herders’ deity meant to do some “torture in painful but subtle ways”, they should have said so and not said “smite”.
@7 Goat herders had no useful information, so smiting them was a pulling-wings-off-butterlies thing, i.e., their god smacked them around purely for entertainment just like today’s Republicans do to minorities and poor people for the same reasons.
This is just fake news. The Sea Peoples were kicking ass and taking names and doing very well for themselves over the very backward tribal inhabitants in nearby villages to the great coastal port of Ashdod. Ashhod continued to do well until destroyed by the Egyptians. Destroyed by Babylonian and rebuilt.
The fact that some boils broke out amongst the population is not at all unusual and boils are the sign of a disease. An urban area is usually hit harder than the rural hinterlands.
So just where is this marvelous Ark that is spoken of here? It does not exist, and has never existed. It is fake and made up by the jealous enemies of the fabulous sea peoples. If only we had invented surfing we would still be cool!
And Ashdod is a sister city of Los Angeles and Tempe, Florida. And race car driver Alon Day comes from there. Soccer players Along Hazan and Haim Revivo. And Greco Roman Wrestling champion from the Olympics Gocha Tzitziashvili
Don’t miss the Museumof Phinistine culture. It is th elargest port in Israel. Doing pretty good so much for that bs about the heavy hand of the Lord and emerods, and a few mice and all that jazz. Time to enjoy the Museum of Art and go shopping at the Lev Ashod Mall. It’s a happening place.