Dear Journalism,

You have one job: defend democracy. And you fucking suck at it.

Now, I know you like to think your job is simply to report the facts and that you have some sort of sacred obligation to remain “neutral” and “objective” and “fair and balanced,” and if this unbiased brand of nonpartisan journalism unfortunately results in the election of “America’s Hitler” (Trump’s running mate’s words, not mine), well, first draft of history and all that.

Oh, grow the fuck up.

The facts are, you made this rapey orange monster, and now it’s your job to unmake him, and if that means putting your calloused thumbs on the scale in opposition to, let’s be honest, a literal fucking fascist, then fuck your journalistic ethics and lean into it. Ours is a two-party system currently consisting of a democratic party and an undemocratic party, and if you’re not wielding all your power and privilege toward preserving our democratic institutions and norms, then you aren’t doing your fucking job.

I mean, why the fuck do you think the Founders put freedom of the press right up top in my First Amendment? Because they enjoyed the whimsical musings of Silence Fucking Dogood? Fuck no. It was because when you spend four sweltering months at a yellow fever lockdown party like the Constitutional Convention, endlessly debating Enlightenment ideals like how many fifths human a black person is, you really get to know your fellow “patriots.” And so the slave-owning hypocritical assholes who wrote me sure as fuck knew that the fragile democracy they just crafted had zero chance of surviving their own elitist ambitions let alone those of the slave-owning hypocritical assholes across the aisle, without a free fucking press to keep everybody the fuck in line.

And by “free press” I mean free to write whatever the fuck it likes no matter how viciously partisan or slanderous. As Alexander Hamilton famously rapped about Thomas Jefferson, “I’ll use the press, I’ll write under a pseudonym, you’ll see what I can do to him,” and holy fuck did he ever. Hamilton, Jefferson, Madison—hiding underneath those stately powdered wigs were motherfucking gangsters who’d sooner fuck you up the ass with a rolled up broadsheet then give you the time of day. (Fun fact: also hiding underneath those powdered wigs were unsightly patches of syphilitic alopecia, because nearly everybody had syphilis back then as if you couldn’t tell from their absolutely deranged implementation of an Electoral Fucking College. But I digress.)

The point is: the Founders couldn’t have imagined a democracy guided by objective and nonpartisan journalism any more than they could have imagined one in which the 585,000 residents of fucking Wyoming would each have 67 times more representation in the U.S. Senate than 39 million Californians. (Thanks again, syphilis!) No, the Founders’ intent was the journalism they practiced: an unapologetically partisan press beating the crap out of each other in the court of public opinion. In the American system, the only way you get “fair and balanced” is by balancing the other fuckers out! That’s how our democracy was designed to work. But when one side unilaterally disarms—when, for example, the New York Times curls up all Vichy France-like while Fox News gleefully goes full Goebbels—democracy doesn’t stand a goddamn chance.

And BTW, neither does journalism.

What? You think once orange Putin seizes the dictatorial powers the Supreme Court just promised him that somehow I’m coming to your defense? Sam Alito already wipes his bony white ass with me, so put one or two more Federalist Society Elders on the bench and New York Times v. Sullivan? Dead! New York Times v. United States? Dead! Hustler Magazine v. Falwell? Dead! I mean, wake the fuck up. Without a functional democracy to back me up, my First Amendment isn’t worth the brittle old parchment it’s scribbled on, so best of luck clinging to your precious journalistic ethics while stripped naked at Gitmo as Elon sues into bankruptcy one news outlet after another for every imagined slight.

Look, I’m not asking you to lie or anything. (Though to be clear, I’m not asking you not to.) I’m just saying that if all that stands between the survival of the world’s oldest democracy and the imposition of white nationalist authoritarian rule is a little good old fashioned partisan muckraking, then, like it or not, journalism, it’s your fucking job to rake some muck in defense of the candidate who doesn’t promise to dismantle the Constitution. Then, if we still have a democracy come January 6 (normally I’d say November 5, but, you know), by all means feel free to morally cleanse yourself in a paroxysm of this pretentious both-sidesism you call “journalistic ethics.”

And if democracy doesn’t survive this election? Well… given Trump’s open admiration of Putin and his tactics, I’d be awfully careful when standing near any open windows.

So get to it, journalism, before it’s too late. As Aaron Burr ominously asked of Hamilton, “Why do you write like you’re running out of time? Write day and night like you’re running out of time?” Why? Because he was running the fuck out of time!

And so are you, journalism. So are you.

Sincerely,

The U.S. Fucking Constitution