I crashed the Municipal League’s 2008 Civic Awards last night at the Olympic Sculpture Park, where my friend and colleague David Postman was being honored for “Governmental News Reporting of the Year.” Knowing that Postman’s bosses at the Seattle Times had forbade him from accepting the award in person so as not to compromise his impartiality—and unencumbered by these (or any) ethical burdens of my own—I realized that there must be an unused name tag at the registration table with at least half my name on it… and sure enough I managed to sign in as Postman, no questions asked.
His “Honoree” name tag firmly pinned to my lapel and a surfeit of free drink tickets in hand, I strolled into the PACCAR Pavilion determined to do Postman proud by mingling with our city’s power elite on his behalf. As it turned out, I would need the drink tickets.
Indeed, it wasn’t at all what I had expected. To be honest, I think I had the Muni League mixed up with the Urban League, and to my great disappointment this was the league with all the white people. That meant better booze, but boring food, and even boringer conversation. And Republicans. A handful of actual, real life Republicans. In Seattle of all places. Who’d a thunk?
Diving right into the role of seasoned journalist, I headed straight to the bar, where I could swear I saw Pete von Reichbauer palming the contents of the tip jar. (Life is tough for Republicans these days; they never know where their next campaign contribution might come from.) An awkward social situation to say the least, but take it from this big-city native: the first rule to remember when confronting the desperate wretches at the fringe of society is to avoid making eye contact at all costs! I knocked back my syrah, grabbed a refill, and headed off into the crowd.
I soon learned that while a lot of folk supposedly read Postman, very few apparently know what he looks like, for I was roundly greeted with congratulations and hearty handshakes throughout the hall. Fully expecting to be unmasked at any moment I played the role for all it was worth, regaling guests with invented tales of political intrigue and the madcap antics of my Postman’s colleagues in the Capitol press corp, but whether it was the context or the booze or the dulling effects of wealth and power, my subtle satire seemed lost on the crowd. The more bizarre the anecdotes the more credulous the audience; if anyone questioned my true identity they certainly didn’t let on.
But when I was introduced to my Postman’s fellow honoree John Stanton, I figured the jig was up. Stanton looked straight at me. He looked down at my name tag. He looked back up at me, and I could see the dawning recognition on his face that mine just didn’t quite match the name on my lapel. Improvising, I quickly explained that during Passover, I like to “Jew things up” a little. Stanton seemed momentarily stunned, then nodding knowingly, he pulled a hip flask from his pocket, and we both enjoyed a long, hard swig of single malt before heading up to the dais to accept our awards.
At this point there were several people within arms length who know me quite well, and who must have wondered what mischief I was up to, so I figured somebody would stop me before I reached the podium, but Seattle’s polite society was apparently too polite (or too drunk) to intervene. So there I found myself, standing before a room filled with mayors and millionaires and sundry politerati… accepting an award as David Postman… an uncomfortable moment considering I hadn’t prepared a speech.
Still, caught up in the excitement—and fortified by three or four glasses of wine and a generous dose of Stanton’s best whiskey—I managed to muddle through, graciously thanking my hosts for the honor, and warning the crowd to keep their hands on their wallets should von Reichbauer come near (to which more than a few attendees nodded strenuously in agreement), before launching into an angry and passionate tirade against the endless cycle of newsroom cutbacks that threatens to destroy our Postman’s once proud industry.
In short, I Postman was a hit. The crowd erupted in deafening applause as he I kissed presenter Christine Chen square on the lips, waved my his commemorative plaque in the air along with the $50 Ivars gift card that came with it, and quickly headed back to the bar. When who should jump in my way but a puffing, red-faced and very, very angry Jim Vesely.
“How dare you…?!” the Times editorial page editor sprayed in my face, and I must admit I felt an immediate twinge of shame. I’ve had my fun over the years gently ribbing the Times, but in masquerading as their star reporter before a roomful of our city’s rich and powerful, I knew that this time I had gone too far. So I braced myself for whatever righteous fury I deservingly had coming my way.
“How dare you disobey a direct order?!” Vesely angrily continued. And then it struck me: Vesely thought that I was Postman too!
Well, I tried to defend my Postman’s honor as best he I could, asking why it was that ethics prevented me him from attending the ceremony while Vesely was free to swill Muni booze with impunity… but logic only made Vesely madder. Things deteriorated from there, our confrontation quickly descending into ad hominem attacks (Vesely has a mouth on him that would shock a truck driver), and I fear it would have eventually come to fisticuffs had not Sue Rahr stepped in and pulled the two of us apart.
Needless to say, things were said that can’t be unsaid, and if I really were Postman I’d add that Muni award to my resume and start mailing it out. I hear The Stranger is hiring now that Josh Feit is leaving, and since I kinda blame myself a little for Postman’s unfortunate predicament, I’d be happy to put in a good word.
The festivities over, guests started heading toward the exits, carefully avoiding the food table where von Reichbauer was stuffing his pockets full of bagel chips and salmon dip, a scene eerily reminiscent of Dan Ackroyd at the Christmas party in Trading Places, except without the Santa suit or the laughs. I grabbed myself a final drink and said my goodbyes, my heart nearly as full as my bladder.
No doubt it is a great honor to have one’s work recognized by a prestigious organization like the Muni League, but not nearly as great an honor as being David Postman himself… if only for a single, solitary evening.
Goldy said:
“Diving right into the role of seasoned journalist…”
I wouldn’t call blogging journalism, Goldy. Blogging is opinion and counter-opinion going at it, not journalism.
Your blog is so much more readable than the Times’ dull boring masses of gray type! Whether Frank Blethen knows it or not, his fishwrapper is doomed.
I read the “paper” online, no ink on the hands!
That’s exactly how I remember it. Then again, I was able to procure a few extra drink tickets, so my memory was kind of fuzzy after I put Jean Godden in a headlock when she stepped in front of me and grabbed the last piece of asparagus.
@1 Most of what the Times does is opinion, too, so what’s the diff?
Postman reads your blog, so this is gonna be good! He should show up at your house with a jug of Jack Daniels in gratitude for your honoring him with this literary gem.
It would be really, really funny if this story were true. You have to be making this up, right?
Too bad for the real Postman that I’ll never subscribe to his paper as long as the Blethen family owns it. I’m far from alone in that conviction.
A while back I traded an e-mail with Terry McDermott who in another life was a columnist for the Blethen times. He said he missed Seattle but he missed the Seattle Times “not at all”.
@4 “Jean Godden … grabbed the last piece of asparagus”
I’ve never met her, but from parsing as much of her Times columns as I could stand, she always struck me as the type who’d snatch the last piece of asparagus in the food line at a rubber chicken affair. I’ll bet she’s scarfed a lot of cold asparagus during her nondescript career.
@7 It’s possible to read the Times without giving Frank Blethen any money. There are at least two options:
a) Read the on-line edition; or
b) Mooch it at the grocery store newsstand.*
* Hey, okay, I know that’s not nice but it’s not as bad as the jerk who drew X’s through Hillary Clinton’s face in every single copy of the P-I at my local Albertsons. All I do is french the content; I’m not a fucking vandal like my neighborhood Republican is.
Hey Goldy, the reason Republicans go to these events is because they can get food without paying for it. Those Republicans you encountered weren’t locals, though. They heard about the free food and flew in from Nebraska on their tax-deductible private jets.
Goldy,
You da Man!!
You’ve really got a set of big brass balls on you!!
Keep it up.
GBS
Goldy–
I must admit, you have a wonderful flare for writing about adventures.
Gotta be a way for you to make money at this.
Perhaps a sit-com show writer??
Postman needs to loosen up a bit.
He seems so tight at times, you’d need a John Deere to pull a pin outta his ass.
Not bad, Goldy…Christine’s a babe
http://www.kcts.org/inside/new.....en_big.jpg
@12: cynical – I don’t aften agree with you – but this story of goldy posing as Postman was hard for me to believe. too much….I agree
That’s my all time favorite post on Horse’s Ass.
Now I know why the Muni League failed to retract its endorsement of Jane Hague. Muni Leaguers like to pound them as much as Jane.
The only thing missing from this story was the detachable penis. Great work!
Goldy
I laughed so hard I was crying. You are the greatest
Excellent.
Oh my God that’s funny, Goldy. What a yarn! I hope it’s all true, but it really doesn’t matter—thanks for the laughs!
I think it’s suitably ironic that you took a drink of John Stanton’s single malt whiskey after mentioning to him that it’s Passover.
Thanks for that, Goldy!
Simply perfect!
Great stuff, Goldy! I’ve done similar things myself but I didn’t have the nerve to write about it! Way to go.
LMAO!! We’re not worthy!! We’re not worthy!!
A pity this couldn’t be written during the pledge drive.
I am raising funds for Goldy’s bond.
Contributions may be sent to my Paypal account or directly by envelope at the Daydyll Estate (our humble home).
Alternatively, you may stop by the Montlake and offer to pre pay the DL bills for a week, a month or a year.
Contributors of more than $100 will be given HA teashirts.
We are not yet certain what the charges
will beare but have been told that the Republican AG and Republican Count Prosecutor have considered:trespass
petty fraud (accepting the $50 certificate at Ivar’s). Assault with a dangerous weapon
and impersonating a reporter.
I’m pretty sure Jean Godden is allergic to asparagus so that part can’t be true, but otherwise your account is dead on.
I’m totally taking the credit your performance…thanks for making this event planner look clever.
(PS. A certain presenter asked for your number. Are you single?)
Roger, you sound like your jealous of Blethen because he’s a rich dude and you’re not.
The Muni League has always been a bastion and oasis for dinosaur Republicans. Why do you think they gave bigtime GOP, Inc funder John ‘never been on a bus’ Stanton a civic award? For trying to shift transit dollars into pavement no less.
And why do you think washed up Reagan Era types populate the candidate ranking committee, and give bland/suck-up candidates “outstanding” ratings?
Btw, if progressives ever wanted to really do something about the Muni League ratings (which do carry some weight – since the Muni League USED to be a source for good government info) they can sign up. The ML is always looking for volunteers on the candidate evaluation committee.
This is fantastic!
That’s not quite how I remember it either but thanks for the muni-props.
I’m going to put “muni” in front of everything from now on when talking about the league.
Who’s signing up for the CEC?
25. SeattleJew spews:
“We are not yet certain what the charges will be are but have been told that the Republican AG and Republican Count Prosecutor have considered:
trespass
petty fraud (accepting the $50 certificate at Ivar’s). Assault with a dangerous weapon
and impersonating a reporter.
Hey SJ—
How in the hell can Goldy be arrested for impersonating a Reporter who too often impersonates a Reporter!!
Heh, heh.
Couldn’t help it Postman.
Candidate’s Wife @26,
Oh great… I give a great speech, and I bet Postman scores. Those legacy media guys get all the breaks.
This is too funny. Keep up the good work.
oops ..
I thought Goldy was impersonating Kevin Costner!
Goldy has lots more personality than Costner!
Your yarn reminds me of a drug-induced hallucination by The First Blogger, Hunter S. Thompson. Write on, dude!
Quite amusing.
The ML has lots of ratings they should retract: Pat Davis and Paige Miller for example.
@27 As usual you’ve got things ass-backwards. Blethen should be jealous of me because I have the IQ of a rabbit.
@31 “How in the hell can Goldy be arrested for impersonating a Reporter”
Yeah, I agree; that’s not a crime. In fact, a real criminal wouldn’t stoop to it.
Gonzo journalism at its finest! You’ve no doubt heard of Mayor Nickels nasty synthetic ibogaine habit. When it hits the newsstands, you can forget all about that tunnel…
I tried to post this comment a couple days ago but it went into the spam filter or some other black hole. I don’t know if it ever posted; I never saw it, so I’ll try again. Here it is:
Wesley Snipes Gets 3 Years For Tax Evasion
Action movie actor Wesley Snipes is an interesting fellow. He’s been arrested in California on gun charges, arrested in Florida for doing 120 mph on a motorcycle while evading a police officer, detained in South Africa for trying to use a fake passport, owes delinquent property taxes in 3 states, was denied a permit by the state of Georgia to set up a paramilitary training camp, and is a tax protester who evaded income taxes on $38 million of earnings.
Today, a federal judge who was not amused by Snipes’ antics threw his ass in jail for 3 years.
At this point, our wingnut friends probably will chime in, “What do you expect of a Hollywood liberal?” Because everyone knows that all Hollywood figures are liberals, right?
Well, not exactly. Chuck Norris isn’t. The Arnold isn’t. In fact, Hollywood has always had its share of rightwing whackjobs. Ronald Reagan, for example.
It’s not easy to pin down Snipes’ political beliefs, other than pointing out that tax protesters usually are associated with anti-government ideology, which in turn are usually rightwing in nature. It took a little research on my part to pin this guy down.
I found a blogger commentary that connects Snipes to the Nuwaubian movement,
http://buriedplanet.com/?p=544
a black muslim group founded by Malachi Z. York which the Southern Poverty Law Center has categorized as a “black supremacist hate group.”
Aha! the rightys will say; a “black supremacist hate group” has “lefty” written all over it! Not exactly. Buckle your seat belts, kiddies, because this is gonna be fun! Ready? Heeeeere we gooooo!
“York has been quoted by his followers as saying that he is a Republican and so Nuwaubians are encouraged to vote Republican.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuwaubianism#Politics
So, we can close the book on this case by saying
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN CROOK GOES TO JAIL!!!
43 – PuddySilly will soon claim Snipes is a “political prisoner” of a “librul law enforcement establishment” in CA.
Ahhhhnold of course will pardon him.
LMAO!!!
having lived the life of a ‘party crasher’ in my younger years i salute you sir. it ain’t easy but nothing worth doing is.
the more personal an event the harder it is but you might have inspired me as wedding season is about to get fired up this year.
crash on Wayne!!
Roger,
I still say your jealous of rich folks. And, yes, I agree with you on one point: you do hav the IQ of a rabbit.
Very funny, a great bit of satire. The best part might even be that no matter what you say, there is that tinge of possibility. Everyone you mention just MIGHT have gone for it. I can just see Von R. sliding the contents of the tip jar into his pockets. The fact that he would never do that doesn’t seem to effect the possibility that he might! Funny, funny.
So I see you’ve given up on getting their award next year.
This is a great story. It’s got that ring of truthiness to it, and ten years from now when your own personal version of Life In A Putty Knife Factory is published, no one will know or care whether it’s true or not. Thus is history made.
Free food = cheapskates sponging off others
free healthcare = not sponging off others
Carl @46,
Why wouldn’t they consider me for the same award next year? They already know I give a great speech.
re 48: The president gets free healthcare. He has no moral fiber, but I don’t see the free healthcare as the cause of it.
Do you, Marvin?
re 44: Mr. Incorrect: Resenting the rich getting richer at everyone else’s expense is not the same as, say, a flat 8th grade girl being jealous of the one with big tits.
You trivialize a serious social problem and attempt to juvenilize RR. I just think you’re jealous because a rabbit is smarter and funnier than you.